The Story of Us Looks a lot Like a Tragedy Now
by IdleWit
Summary: "You were meant to be. The modern day Romeo and Juliet."  "Romeo and Juliet die in the end..."Why did they ever call it a love story? It was a tragedy. No happily ever afters, just an end...
1. How Easy it is to Lose

**How Easy it is to Lose**

_Down in Paris they walk fast_

_That is unless they're walking slow_

_And in cafe's they look away_

_That is unless they look right in_

_And in the corners I'm getting lost_

_That is unless I'm getting found_

_And if you are the ghost of New York City_

_Then won't you stick around_

* * *

They walked along the cobbled streets and ate ice cream. They held hands, they laughed. The sun shone on her golden hair, like a halo. They had nowhere they had to be. Just pleasure.

She stole some of his ice cream with a tip of her finger (bubblegum).

Squeezed up her nose.

"So colourful, but not very tasty. I don't know how it's your favourite," light comment, teasing.

Doesn't steal any of hers in retaliation, its strawberry, _her _favourite. He can't stand the sight of strawberries anymore.

Shrugs instead at her comment.

"I like the colours." Smiles.

Doesn't tell her his favourite used to be triple chocolate, the devils choice.

Shoves her lightly as she tries to steal some more, laughs.

He wanted rainbows not memories.

So he does his best to lose himself through the winding streets with a pretty angel.

* * *

In Prague he would get drunk sometimes. (He wasn't supposed to. _Drink will be the end of you. So would a bullet.)_

She would come home to find him laying there rolling his all his words.

She excused it by saying he was hurting. He would get better.

He let her believe that (_almost let himself_).

When he came to Paris he limited it.

A drink (after the nightmares) a few during the day.

Beer, poor men didn't drink scotch.

He was getting better in Paris.

He_ had_ to let himself believe that.

* * *

No one knew him here.

They'd stolen his phone, so no gossip girl blasts.

Didn't buy a new one.

Stayed away from tourists hotels, 5 star. Not that New York would recognise him dressed as he was.

He went sight seeing with Eva, absorbed the culture. Admired her cadences as she spoke of the city she loved with passion.

Sat in front of their apartment, watched the people walk by. So easy, relaxed. Laughter, passion, life.

He thinks he loves it here (_almost_).

_Almost forgets. _

It was easy to get lost in the beauty of Paris.

* * *

Sometimes she'll say something in French and he frowns, wishes that he'd paid better attention in class.

He knew how to string a basic sentence together, how to swear of course.

But not the true language, the words spoken on the streets by the natives.

Asks her to teach him.

Realises he can be a fast learner when he wants to be.

Just another step to shedding his old suit.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to become a French citizen.

* * *

Sometimes the wound will hurt him (Wound he sneers at the word. Sounds like some sort of thing a hero would have. Given up on being a hero long ago, before he even tried.)

He'll have to pause a bit while walking.

She'll pause with him, but she's learnt not to comment.

Sometimes the other wound, the one deeper, (_in his very soul)_ will pain him at night.  
Wakes up with nightmares, can't breathe.

Sits up with him, just rubs his back.  
Never asks.

He likes her for that.

She seemed to understand without having to be told.

It was easy.

He'd never tried easy before.

* * *

To her he was Charles.

He didn't wear suits.

He didn't have a limo.

And his bank account wasn't bottomless.

He didn't think about things like revenge either.

The old Chuck would have hunted those bastards down. Would want to see them rotting.

If he mentioned the idea her blue eyes probably would have widened. It was horrible what happened, but Ces't la Vie, it's not like he could do anything about it?

He never mentions revenge to her, doesn't think about it (forces himself not to, that wasn't him anymore.)

_There was no point fighting for a stone after he'd already lost the heart... _

To Eva he never thought of things like revenge while she was sleeping. Didn't think of taking a gun and shooting their smug faces.

Never thought of what had led him there, with a hole in him.

Never had countless regrets.

To her he was _just_ Charles.

Charles, he liked the name, never heard it said with quite that inflection.

Rolling of the rs. Charrrles.

Sometimes he forgets he even had another name. Sometimes he almost believes he's Charles.

Sometimes he almost believes there's no such thing as regret.

* * *

Crossing the street, a familiar black shape. Glances out of curiosity, to see who was living the life he once revelled in (hated).

Her.

His heart skips a beat, stands and stares.

They say that one you truly love someone you'll find your way back to each other, no matter what.

He guesses it wasn't that easy to get lost in Paris.

* * *

He doesn't go back to the apartment after that.

He keeps some money on him, without Eva knowing.

Just in case.

_This was just in case. _

Goes straight to a bar. Slaps the money on the table. Orders scotch.

Drinks the rest of the afternoon away.

Tries to drown out soft brown eyes and the pain in his chest.

* * *

"Chuck?"

Keeps on walking, he should never have agreed to come out with Eva to this popular cafe. Not when he knew it was a hot tourist spot.

"Chuck!" Not a question now.

"Come on," mutters to Eva, she hasn't even noticed the voice. Tries to increase the pace.

He was an expert at the art of running.

A limp tends to slow even the best of them down though.

"Chuck!" Insistent now, she grabs his hand. Turns to face her (_wishes he could run_).

"Chuck I can't believe it," her big wide white smile, blonde tresses messy yet fashionable as always. Her mouth runs away from her. Nothing has changed. "You won't believe how worried Mom and Eric have been, they said they haven't heard from you in weeks. And then Blair told me she saw you but... "

Eva slips her hand into his, curious eyes trained on him.

Serena trails off as she notices.

"I'm sorry," she changes tact. "I didn't see you there...?"

Leaves the sentence trailing curious, looks at Chuck. He can almost hear her accusations.

"Eva," smiles shyly.

"Serena," distracted she looks back at the girl at his side again. Trying to reconcile her appearance with Chuck's notoriety.

Awkward pause.

"You never told me you had a sister Charles?" conversation filler.

"I don't," turns to walk away, grabs Eva's hand, pulls her to follow.

"Chuck wait," she calls, face falls, imagines doe eyes hurt and confused. Hand touches his shoulder lightly.

"Just leave me alone," not snapped, doesn't bother to turn. Hard cold, raw. Desperation underneath, that's what makes the feather touch fade.

Keeps on walking (limping) weak. Eva follows, wide eyed, hesitant. Serena stands, alone, forlorn, watching a boy she knew since childhood, a boy she knew no longer, walk away.

It was easy to lose yourself in Paris.

* * *

"Do you want to talk about it?" only asks him back at the apartment.

"No."

She doesn't ask him again.

They share some éclairs and watch a romantic comedy (all in French, he only understands every second word). She laughs, he smiles. They snuggle together for warmth.

No mention of the blonde girl.

Charles didn't have a sister, he didn't have a past.

That girl was mistaken.

* * *

"Chuck," cringes at the name (_the reminder_).

Came out to get some fresh air, a walk to clear his head. Was confronted with a blonde bombshell who's looks were better suited to a beauty pageant and not these cobbled streets.

"Chuck you can't keep on running from me," grabs his arm, more authorative this time. Turns, glares at her.

"Does it look like I can run anywhere?" sarcastic, biting. Old habits die hard. Her hand falls, stunned.

"Sorry," bites her red lips. "What happened to you...I mean why are you...?" limping, weak, different.

"Just leave me alone," Goes to turn again.

"Don't be like that Chuck. Do you know how worried everyone at home has been?" accusatory.

Doesn't reply to this, just keeps on walking resolute. She follows. No one cared about Chuck Bass, no one missed him, least of all him.

"I mean why are you wearing jeans? Who is that girl you're with? And what are you doing here?"

_Most important to least important in that order. _

Following him, matching his steps easily. He'd underestimated Serena's powers of persistence.

"If you don't answer me I'm just going to keep on following you," smug, superior, cocky. Old sibling rivalry. They had never really been siblings though, just playing at it, she should have realised that.

Sighs, stops dead, she has to back up. Looks at her.

"Remember when you went to boarding school?"

Blinks, slow trying to understand. Furrowed brows, confused blue eyes. Reminds him of Nate. Brushes that aside.

"Yes?" curious, curiosity killed the cat.

"You tried to reinvent yourself..."

Pause, he thinks she may have gotten it _finally_.

"But...Chuck..." _But you're Chuck Bass?_

"It's Charles now, just Charles..." short, brief, sharp. Chuck Bass died in an alley in Prague. Alone, Unloved. Shot, done, dusted.

Pause, he turns to walk away.

"Just because you've got a new name doesn't change anything Chuck." Adamant, _she knew_.

He ignores her. She didn't know anything. She didn't understand. _She was the only one who did understand. _

_The past eventually catches up to you. _

* * *

"Let's leave." Spontaneous over dinner. He had been planning up to this, moody, brooding. Then it suddenly bursts out.

"Leave?" Suprise, wide blue eyes.

"Yes, go somewhere else." _Start anew. Again. _

"But...We just got here Charles...?" _Does this have something to do with that girl_? Silent questions, never spoken.

"And we can go somewhere else, anywhere else Eva. Imagine all the possibilities." Forces a smile, stretched lips far too tense.

"But we just settled in. The rent..." It's far too expensive. Reserved. Money limits everything.

"I'll take care of it," dismissive. It was something Chuck Bass would say. "Don't worry," quickly rectifies the careless statement as she searches his eyes, wrinkle puckering her forehead as she thought. Smiles, wider_. Smiles made life's worries disappear. _

"Where do you want to go?"

_Far away. _

"Name a place." _Anywhere as long as it wasn't here._ _Wasn't..._

"New York," laughs at the ridiculousness of the idea. Fairytales and dreams poor people like her could never manage. Doesn't notice as his face whitens.

_New York._ _Home._

"Are you all right Charles?" all concern as she notices his silence and pale face, even after her laughter had faded.

A pause, just a second to collect himself. A second too long.

"I think that's a bit far, even for me," forces the smile on again. This time the wrinkle on her forehead didn't smooth out.

"I was only joking of course," forces a small puzzled smile of her own, in response.

A pause. Of course she was joking. Normal people didn't have bottomless accounts. _Money made the world go around. _

"What about Rome?"

"Rome?" blinks slowly, lets it roll off her tongue. Laughs at the sheer delight.

"Rome, tomorrow," it's a statement now. He can see she's captured.

Blinks suddenly, comes to herself and looks at him with wide eyes.

"You're not..." _serious?_

"I'll take care of it, all you have to do is pack," _Quickly._ He feels like he's wearing a mask as he forces the smile to resemble an excited grin. "It's the least I could do." _You saved my life, now I have to salvage it. _

"Rome then...?" hesitant. _Are you all right?_

"Rome." Determined. _Now I'm fine_.

Rome may not have been built in a day, but Chuck Bass could be lost in one.

* * *

While she's busy packing he grabs the papers from deep within his suitcase. Final signature that was all that was needed. (That and an envelope).

Grabs a simple blue pen, nothing special.

Signs Chuck Bass' life away.

_

* * *

_

I'd rather be nothing then Chuck Bass.

Writing scrawled under his eyelids as he walks with Eva in the station.

Blurs together. _Nothing, Chuck Bass. _

He squeezes her hand. She smiles at him.

"I'll go get the tickets, wait here," doesn't want her to see the many bank notes stashed in his wallet. Everyone needed some money to start anew. _Bad money, dirty money. Money of lust and greed and envy. _

Waits in line like everyone else, controls his impatience. Normal, he wanted this. Normal.

Taps his foot. _Normal, normal, normal._

Smiles relieved to have the tickets in hand. Doesn't (_tries not to_) think about how Chuck Bass would have been out of this country by now.

Turns to go back to Eva, walking.

Cane taps against the concrete. Beating out a pattern.

_Nothing, Chuck Bass. Nothing, Chuck Bass. _

Glances up to look for Eva.

And he sees _her_.

Her from his nightmares, her from his dreams.

Standing there, looking at him. Red all over. _Lust, hate, passion, love. _

Not Charles' Eva, Chuck's...

"_Blair_..."

* * *

He should have known.

You can't run from your past.

He should have known.

Chuck Bass ran. He always ran, far away, fast.

He may have dressed different, talked different, acted different. Called himself another name. But he had always just been Chuck playing dress ups.

He proved that by doing what he did best, _running_.

Now it was time to turn and fight.

He likes to think that would be something Charles would do. (_He_ _knows Charles never existed in the first place)_.

Leaves Paris like he planned.

Heads for New York. _Home._

Even though he knows that it would be better to go with his first instinct.

Run fast, run far.

Better for everyone concerned.

Bleeding hearts need time to heal. _Clutches the small jewellery box with the stone inside. He knows his never will. _

He should have known.

When it came to Blair Waldorf he always lost.

_

* * *

_

_Ne Me Quitte Pas mon cher_

**

* * *

**

A/N: I wrote this before I watched Double Identity. Except for a good portion of the end. Which is why I skipped the Blair/Chuck scene which was just awesome and perfect on the show! Kind of scary that it was similar except for the whole Henry Prince thing. Anyway I loved the start of this season (except the whole stupid judgmental Rufus, and Dan being so dumb as to believe Georgina.)

**Anyway I thought I would put this up since I did write it and it's sort of the same style as "Sometimes Love Just isn't enough", so it's a prequel I suppose though you don't have to read it go do it now = P!**

**I shall be putting up another chapter for Sometimes Love just isn't enought, so all updates for this shall be on that story if you want to add it to story alert Thanks for the reviews they inspired me to write more. = ), although let me know if you still want to read it now the season has started. Mine is more like a lost angsty Chuck. **

**Please review and you'll send Chuck a rainbow! = P**

**Song by Regina Spektor: Ne Me Quitte Pas (I think it means I will never leave you my dear or don't leave me my dear = S lol Anyway the lyrics are very fitting). **


	2. Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough

**Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough**

"_We're not the same, dear, as we used to be._

_The seasons have changed and so have we._

_There was little we could say, and even less we could do_

_To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you."_

-The Ice is Getting Thinner-Death Cab for Cutie

* * *

"Life's perfect," Blair said adamantly.

Serena sighed, running her hands through her hair she regarded her best friend, frowning slightly. "Really B?" she said, arching her eyebrows. "That's how you describe it? You don't think there are any other words you'd like to use?"

A sip of her latte as she composes her face, forms her answer, ignores the real one screaming in her mind.

"No," Blair finally looked up stubbornly at her friend and gave a wide smile far too tense. "Just perfect."

_And they all lived happily ever after..._

* * *

She sits in bed, stares at the empty space where he used to lie.

Sometimes she thinks she hates him.

Other times she thinks she loves him.

Always she misses him.

* * *

A blonde Parisian bombshell.

Blonde hair, blue eyes, candy sweet.

As far from brunette as you could get.

Nice. Easy. Holding hands, going to movies, sharing a drink, a laugh.

She's good for him, he just wishes that was enough to make him forget. Gun shot wounds may heal slowly, but he knows that the other type, the type that came from love, those never would.

He really does like her, it was a shame that wasn't enough.

* * *

"I like you," Dan blurts it out suddenly.

"Oh," she looks at him with wide blue eyes, suddenly noticing their proximity. Close enough to kiss...

"Oh?" he repeats, furrows his brow.

There's an awkward silence as he leans back, stunned at what he said, or maybe the reaction.

"It's just that..." she trails off, glances at him. "Like? I thought we were past like..."

He glances at her, "Yeah, I did too, and then..." he can't describe it.

"So when exactly did love turn to like?" she glances at him, a small smile playing on her lips.

"Oh," he looks at her with wide eyes.

* * *

Liking was definitely not good enough.

"Why is that...Blair girl so rude to you?" enquiring blue eyes, sharp not soft like his sisters. He wishes he'd chosen a Serena and not an Eva.

"It's a long story," evasion, that was what life was about now. Evade what you are, who you are, evade everything.

"I have time," sits down firmly, looks at him (not glares, she can't bring herself to glare). He wonders if she's so nice because her substance was pity.

"I don't," he's short, rude, he's never rude around her, but this place brings out the old habits in him.

"Charles?" standing now, looking at him with wide blue eyes, searching, trying to see his soul. The problem was it was hidden, mixed up in Parisian Charles and New York Chuck. Confusion was all she found.

"Sorry..." his voice is soft now as he avoids her gaze, avoidance was good, avoidance facilitated the lie.

"Since we've come here, you hide everything from me..." sadness, he knew sadness, he didn't want her to, but he couldn't tell her the truth. Truth burns away all niceness, all pity, all pretence at happiness.

"Maybe we should go back," _hope springs eternal. _

"No," _then it dies. _

No, what an ugly word, he hated that word. He'd only been acquainted with it when he met a brunette with dark eyes and the ability to break his soul.

"_You _should stay here," he doesn't miss her inflection.

"I want to be with you Eva," _I want to be enough for you. _He really did like her, she made him laugh, he hadn't laughed in so long.

"But it's not enough..." no accusation, no bitterness, just simple truth laid bare for the first time between them.

And then she does it, turns to leave...

"Don't go," _I need you now. _

"Talk to Blair," she doesn't turn back, just keeps on walking opens the door, he stares after her, doesn't move. She pauses, hand on brass doorknob, glances back, one last time.

_I liked you too..._

And then she's gone. He gets out a bottle of scotch (dusty all of them, hasn't felt the need with her there.) Pours out a glass, sits on the couch.

Back where he had started...

He wished more than anything in this world (save one thing he would not think of) that it had been enough.

* * *

Problem, it was a stupid word. You are a problem, you make problems, you have a problem.

_Problem, problem, problem._

Problems were temporary, beings screwed up was permanent.

Is it a problem if it's the only way you can survive?

He tried quitting one day, he lasted until ten. In the morning that is... He gave up after that.

He couldn't live without a drink. It was his drug of choice, it made lines blur and life seem bearable...That's all he asked nowadays.

Problem, it summed up his life. Problems were what he was born for. And now it was time he faced that truth once more.

* * *

"You can't keep on doing this to yourself," he starts off firm, firm was good, firm was strong. He needed to be strong. Bottles were harsh, all over. Strong would break them, push them away from his friends hand.

"What do you want me to do then?"

"I don't know," Defeat masked as frustration. Helplessly clueless again. It pretty much summed up Nate's life didn't it? Firm disappeared, firm was temporary with him.

"Do you know what it feels like to get shot? What it feels like to lie in an alley bleeding to death?" _What it feels like to be completely alone, unloved, unwanted? _Chuck runs his hand through his hair. Accusatory. "You tell me I have to do something, but you don't effing know what Nathanial?"

"Sorry I brought it up," defensive guilt, Nate knew the feeling.

"Sorry isn't good enough," the door slams, Nate flinches. Stands there alone, the rooms empty.

He was tired of not knowing, but he has no clue about where else to look for the answers. Another thing he didn't know. Maybe it was a vicious cycle, eternal...

He goes to sit on the couch, powers up the Xbox and starts blowing brains out. At least Halo was one thing he did know.

* * *

"I'm bored," she sighs, places her head on her hands. Big blue eyes look out. Blue and blonde, what a perfect combination.

"You're always bored," Blair says it scornfully, puts black ink to paper.

"Since when did you pen your own invites anyway?" Serena looks sceptically at her, cocks her head. She's perceptive today, Blair wishes she hadn't invited her.

"Personal touch," the note is false.

"What's wrong B?" Perfect purple nails tough her arms lightly, she shakes them off angrily.

"I'm tired of people asking me that," she's sharp, all sharp edges, like a piece of glass. Cutting, Serena flinches slightly.

Awkward silence, a sigh brown eyes meet blue ones, softer now, regret.

"I'm just tired S," whispered softly, concentrating on the next blank page now. "Can we just..not talk about it. Not today, please..." It's added at the end, an afterthought, makes Serena pause.

An awkward silence, blue eyes trained on brown locks hiding her friend.

Sudden sigh, blow out air through puffed cheeks.

"I'm bored," she sighs. "I'll even watch Breakfast at Tiffany's again. Anything but this." A slight smile curves red lips.

"You're always bored..."

* * *

"You want to go out?" Eric enquires, looking.

"No," he's short, doesn't even look up. He's always looking at the floor now, always with a glass in hand.

"You want to watch a movie then?"

"No."

"What do you _want_ to do then?" exasperation makes his words harsher than necessary.

"Nothing." _Leave me alone, stop asking me questions, I don't want anything..._

"Fine..." they sit like that, in the darkness, doing nothing together...

* * *

"Uh, hey," Jenny blushes beetroot red as soon as it leaves her mouth. Automatic response, she thinks it would have been better if she had just pretended.

_You ruined my life. You ruined everything. _

He turns and walks away without saying a word. Accusations in his wake.

And now she knows it would have been better if she had just pretended.

* * *

There are bags under his eyes, doesn't sleep much anymore _(passing out didn't count as sleep)._ Are the going to be permanently blood shot from now on? Will he ever be able to string a sentence together again?

Dan watches his self destruction with sick fascination. Even at his worst he could never do that to himself. Then again Dan's worst was to become a diluted Chuck Bass. He supposes that if you are Chuck Bass there's nowhere else to go but down into the bottom of a bottle.

* * *

None of them have their licence _(. Serena walked, Blair took taxis, Nate took the subway and Chuck, he took the limo.) _

Serena never got around to learning _(too many distractions, maybe one day...)_

It was beneath Blair _(why should I drive when I can pay others to do so?)._

Nate actually had one, but the way he drove you could barely tell.

And Chuck, he didn't drive because he had a limo for that didn't he?_ Besides there was a legal limit and when was he not drinking_? They all used to laugh about that before, now it doesn't seem so funny anymore.

* * *

He misses the yellow shirts, the ties, the blazers. Misses dragging himself up in the morning, bleary eyed with ruffled hair. Missed the plaid skirts and coy smiles of the girls as they looked at him like he was some sort of lacrosses super hero.

He doesn't feel like a super hero anymore...

He used to complain about it all the time, the future that loomed, the daily choices he was forced to make. (_Which subjects? Which college? Which girl? Which friends_?) He thought it would all get simple after...

He looks down at his best friend, sleeping yet another day away. And he hasn't got a clue how to help him, how to bring back the smirking guy who used to smoke with him outside the gates.

Now he knows better...

School was easy, it was life that was hard.

* * *

He's drowning, she knows that she's not stupid. She doesn't go to him though...

_Selfish, selfish, selfish._ It repeats, one word, three times...

She just can't do this anymore. This wasn't the Titanic, he wasn't Jack and she wasn't Rose. She doesn't want to be the girl dragged under with him.

Her life was supposed to be an Audrey Hepburn movie, a romantic comedy, not a drama, not tragedy.

The blue eyes of her two friends accuse her.

_Selfish, selfish, selfish_.

Everything accuses her of it.

Lilly invites her over, sips coffee and talks about generic things while piercing her with pleading eyes.

Still she doesn't go.

She sits with her new minions instead, eats croissants, sips lattes, pretends at being Queen.

Perfect, is that so much to ask for?

She's missing something, _everything..._

Still she doesn't go.

He wasn't doing this because of her, he was doing it because of himself.

She can't save him if he doesn't want to be saved.

She had nothing to feel guilty about, after all it wasn't her fault he had gotten shot, it wasn't for her...

_Excuses, excuses, excuses. _

"_He needs you B."_

"_I'm not a miracle worker S. I can't save him!"_

He's drowning, she's not stupid, she doesn't go to him...

_Selfish, selfish, selfish_.

Every day it feels like her heart has disappeared, until she can't take it anymore.

* * *

She used to wonder how many years, months, hours, minutes, seconds, it would take for love to turn to hate.

"I think..I think I've finally learnt to hate you,"

_Liar, Liar, Liar. _

His speech is stilted, like his thought patterns. He was always so smart, maybe what they said about killing brain cells was true_._

_(Those three words eight letters, she almost laughs aloud.)_

Now she knows. Three years, six months, ten days, three hours, twenty seven minutes, nineteen seconds.

That's how long it took for love to finally turn into hate.

"I didn't do this to you,"

_Liar, Liar, Liar. _

Defence, shield your heart before it can be torn out again. She turns on her heels

_(It was stupid to come anyway. What did they say when people died? It was better to remember them as they were. He wasn't dead (yet) but this drunken stupor was good enough)_

"I don't want you to leave," Plaintive, lost. She almost turns back. Silence between them as she wars with herself, too long... "But I don't expect a perfect Princess like you to stay." Sneer at her pause, defend what little you have left with lies and accusations.

_Liar, Liar, Liar. _

Inside screaming _You're all I have_.

"Well that's just too bad," ice, she opens the door and slams it shut behind her.

_Liar, Liar, Liar. _

I hate you.

She leans against the door, salty water trails down her cheeks.

I love you.

_Liars, Liars, Liars. _

_It shouldn't be this hard. _

* * *

"He didn't mean it B." Face buried in golden locks, soft they smell like strawberries. "It'll all work out you'll see. You guys were meant for each other."

"I don't want him" muffled into her friends shoulder, whispered so soft.

_Liar, Liar, Liar. _

Maybe she didn't hear.

_What if we were never meant to be?_

"Don't say that. You guys are my only hope of love. The modern day Romeo and Juliet." Serena tries to laugh, it falls flat.

"Romeo and Juliet die in the end..." bleak, why did they ever call it a love story? It was a tragedy. No happily ever afters, just an end...

A pause.

"I'm sorry," she whispers it again softly. Not everyone's dreams had to be shattered.

Serena just squeezes her tighter. Friendship was about taking the good times with the bad right? And the bad times had to eventually end...at least she thought they did...

* * *

"Go talk to her Chuck, tell her how you feel," accusations, _again and again and again_.

"Leave me alone," how many times does he have to repeat himself?

"Not until you at least get up and have a shower," If she could put a name on this maybe it would be easier. Depression, alcoholism...a mixture of both? She doesn't know...she misses him. Wants him to say something lewd like the old times, wants him to say anything besides...

"Go away," _I hate you too..._

"No," _Well that's just too bad._ She sits down firmly. There's silence she fiddles with her phone, he stares up at the ceiling.

It lasts for minutes, maybe hours? Who knew, who bothered measuring time anymore?

"Did you ever think that maybe she's better off this way?" _Without_ me? _It kills me to say that._

"You're New Yorks Romeo and Juliet," she hopes it works better this time around.

"Romeo and Juliet die in the end..." She supposes not.

She laughs at this, she doesn't know why because when she looks at him she just feels sad.

* * *

"Hey what's wrong," strong arms embrace her, holding her tight.

"Nothing," she tries wiping the tears away, only her makeup comes off. Sitting in the lobby for everyone to see, she's an idiot.

"You can talk to me," he's right, she's never had a problem talking to him, not like this. Like this he's her Natie.

"Just...what if we can't fix them?" she looks up at him, she's worried.

"Blair's all right isn't she?" it was a sorry sentence, they both knew she wasn't.

"Romeo and Juliet die in the end," she whispers into his collar, pressing her face, taking in his familiar smell.

_What if they didn't though? What if their love just died?_

"We'll put them back together," she takes comfort in his embrace, even though she knows his words are empty.

"Like a puzzle," she murmurs, he smiles.

_What if we can't fix them this time...?_

* * *

"I love you," pink poesies fix all ills.

"They're not magic words Chuck," _I can't keep doing this, it hurts too much. _

"I'm sorry," _Say it back please._

"I'm not..." _Those aren't magic either. _

A pause, silence was never easy with them .

"What brought this on?" Showered and dressed and out of bed. "Are you going somewhere?"

"No but you are," places the peonies on the table, doesn't come closer. Space, haven't they had enough space? He can't transcend the gap though.

A pause. _How?_

"Serena told me you deferred for the semester. That you're going to stay with your father for a while..."

"It's better that way," _I just can't stay here and watch you destroy yourself. _

"Lilly signed me up for an AA meeting," He tries not to smirk at the ludicrously of the idea, to take it seriously. _I'm trying._

"That's...good." She knows he'll probably skip out in the first half hour, just like he had on the first day of high school. _It's not enough. _

"I came because I just wanted you to know...before you left..."

"That you joined AA?" snarky, reflex.

"No," _that I want you,__ I still need you, I'll change only for you. _

_I love you._

_Those three words, eight letters. _

_It just wasn't enough. _

She looks into hopeful brown eyes, they melt her heart but she can't do this again.

"I'll see you when I get back Chuck," _If I get back._ She presses the button, the waiting elevator opens. "I hope it works out,"_ I really wish I could fix you. _

He steps in without a fight. Defeat. He's destroyed himself.

"I'll be waiting," he always had to have the last word_. Hope springs eternal._

"Me too," she whispers it to a blank elevator door. _She can't help but hope._

_Can't help but hope one day her life will be just perfect. _

_A happily ever after instead of just an end..._

* * *

**A/N This is completely different to my normal style so please don't be too harsh. But even if you are going to be, if you read this please review, tis all I ask! = ) Please don't just add it to favourites and not review, out of the two I'd appreciate the review more probably would take the same amount of time too! =)**

**The title is a work in progress, if anyone has suggestions feel free to share. The original title was All I ever wanted was a lie. **

**I was also contemplating putting lyrics from Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson instead of these ones. I'm not completely satisfied, does anyone have any thoughts? **

**I went repetition crazy in this, bare with me = P Excuse me for spelling mistakes I did this in a hurry. **


	3. How the Mighty Have Fallen

**How The Mighty Have Fallen**

"_A downward spiral just a pirouette_

_Getting worse untill there's nothing left_

_What good comes of something when I'm just the ghost of nothing?_

_I'm just the man on the balcony, singing nobody will ever remember me._

_Rejoice, rejoice and fall to your knees."_

* * *

"Are you going to get up today?"

"Don't you have school?" he pulls the cover tighter around him, like a cocoon. If only he could transform into something else, anything else.

"I brought you a bagel," he was nothing if not persistent.

"I'm not hungry," it comes out muffled. He wonders if he presses his face deeper into the pillow will the world disappear?

"You can't keep on doing this to yourself." That wasn't the first time he's heard this.

"I can," not the last time.

Heavy sigh, if he had a dollar for the times Eric has sighed over him he'd have another billion. He wonders if how he has any air left in his lungs.

"I'll see you after school."

"Giving up so soon?" he can't help enquiring, usually these morning struggles last a few minutes longer.

"I have Chemistry first period, and Mr Pieser makes you stay back with him if your late. He really freaks me out."

He doesn't bother to reply to this.

Foot steps moving towards the door, seven, he wonders if Eric is ever going to grow.

"Eric," he pushes the cover off him, Eric turns, looks at him. "Can you ask the bar to send me up another bottle of scotch."

A beat of silence as he watches for the reaction.

"Sometimes you're really dumb Chuck, you know that?" A little bite to his tone, it was hard to get Eric angry but it wasn't impossible.

"Just get me the scotch," he mutters, pulls the covers over him self once more.

Another pause, he can sense Eric is struggling with himself, wondering if he should explode with Chuck like the rest of them finally had, or not.

"I'll see you after school okay," cool heads prevail. It's not a question.

"Some people just don't know when to quit," his reply is muffled into his pillow.

"Yeah, _some_ people," No reply, after a minute he leaves.

Click, the door shuts, but not with finality. Never with finality.

He guesses you didn't have to be blood related to share certain annoying traits.

* * *

"Rise and shine Chucky."Cheery, always so cheery.

"Get out," groaned into his familiar white pillow.

"It's one in the afternoon, at least have some lunch with me," seats herself, she's in for the long haul.

"I don't want lunch. Why won't you just go away?" he groans, rolls over buries his head deeper into the white.

Shrugs her sun kissed shoulders. "C'est la Vie," flash of perfect white teeth.

French. Learnt at her recent holiday with _her_... He_ hated_ French.

Silence. He thinks if he ignores her she'll evaporate, or something...

"I'm not leaving you know," or something... Determined cheeriness. Ignoring their previous argument, insults crossing the line, streaming eyes, a slammed door. Ignorance was bliss.

"I'm not getting up."

"I can wait." A rustle, digs out a glossy magazine from her over priced bag. The rustle of pages the only sound between them.

"Why do you even bother?" raises his head, looks at her with bitter eyes. _Desperate eyes, enquiring eyes. _

Shrugs. "I've got to do something in between classes."

"Tried studying?"

"A degree is like a chihuhaha for us remember?" she smiles and he almost does.

"Besides if I don't make sure you don't do something stupid who else will?"

"Serena van der Woodsen my nanny?" he raises his eyebrows at her.

"Think of me as your conscience," she retorts, curling her bare feet up into the arm chair, settling herself in.

"I'd prefer to stay damned," he mutters, pulling the cover over himself.

"You know you love me," she chirps, always so cheery, too cheery.

"No I don't," muffled through the heavy covers, trying to make her disappear. "You're annoying."

"What else is family for," it slips out from her cherry lips before she can think.

"To screw me over," slips from his unintentionally, knee jerk reaction. It hangs in the air, she stares at the black covers obscuring his face.

There's a pause, silence. Silence was never good, it allowed things to be thought and said that couldn't be taken back.

"Exactly, we're all out to screw you over Chuck," she manages to force it out, rolls her eyes and sighs dramatically for his benefit. "Have you ever thought that maybe we care?"

"Have you ever thought that maybe you should stop. It'll save you having to pretend to cry at my funeral."

Suddenly something thumps against the cover, hitting him in the face. He flings them back, glares at her, there's a perfect white pillow fallen on his lap, matching the cushions on her chair.

She's glaring at him blue eyes hard as ice.

"You're an ass you know that?" she snaps, clear, precise, true. Truer then the sweet words they've been dancing around for weeks.

He turns his back on her, wraps the cover over himself once more, doesn't say a word.

_I know._

The silence hangs between them.

* * *

**"Spotted: Queen B looking fresher then ever in the city of Paris with a Prince on her arm. I guess no one will wait forever C."**

When Nate came around after class he found Chuck's phone broken to pieces in the kitchen, along with a glass of scotch on the floor. Chuck's door was locked.

He knelt down and picked up the pieces him self. At least this was one mess he could clean up. Make it like it was never there in the first place.

He wished that his best friend was as easy to fix.

* * *

He corners her in the lobby.

"You need to talk to him Mom," he demands it, doesn't request.

"Eric darling is this really.."

"You need to talk to him," he snapped, cutting her off.

"Perhaps we should talk about this upstairs," Lilly mutters, looking around furtively. Judging glances and whispers are all they need.

"So you can blow me off again?" his voice is rising. It's not good to bottle your emotions, eventually you burst.

"Eric darling people are looking..." places a hand on his shoulder.

"I don't care what they think," Burst all over the lobby floor. His voice is so loud the security gaurd glances his way, takes a step forward. "All I care about is Chuck. You need to talk to him, help him. We've tried, but we just...we don't know how."

"I've tried talking to him," no point rushing off now, the damage was done. She kept her voice low, airing laundry in public was disgraceful. "He didn't respond at all. Honestly Eric I don't know why you'd believe I could do any better then you."

"Because you're our Mom," he's looking at her desperately now, vulnerably. His voice so quiet, shakes ever so slightly. Mom's are supposed to fix all ills, she'd forgotten her role momentarily, lost in the fear of public disgrace.

Silence, she stares at him, realising that despite his maturity he was still her little boy.

"Please can you just...just try again." _For me, for him._

"I don't know...Rufus..."Indecision. He didn't know the whole story, but he knew enough. That something had happened to his little girl and he blamed Chuck.

"Mom for once can you just..." a pause. She watches him carefully.

"Just what?"

Conflcted he decides not to finish. Shakes his head at her confusion. "You know what don't worry about it. We'll figure something out"

"Just what Eric?" she places a hand ever so lightly on his shoulder as he turns to walk away. He pauses, turns to look at her, she's searching for the answers. The mystery to being the mother he wants.

"Choose_ us_."

A pause, shock.

"Honey I've always..."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I shouldn't have said anything." Muttered he shrugs her hand off. "Like I said we'll figure something out."

He walks away. She stands there looking after him.

People whisper and stare and for once she doesn't care.

* * *

She opens the door to 1812 (she took the key from Eric's room). It's dark. Typically the first thing she notices is the mess.

_Look how the mighty have fallen. _

He doesn't allow the housekeeping in. He didn't want their sneering superior looks. He got what was coming to him._ No one will want you now. _

_Oh look how the mighty have fallen. _

She steps over the discarded clothes. There were a lot of bottles on the table.

Goes to his room, the door is open. He doesn't bother closing it anymore.

"Charles," her voice carries through the room, soft.

The shape on the bed, under the cover, stirs.

"Lilly?" he sits up, the light filters through the curtains just allowing her to see his face. Stunned. But only for a second. "You shouldn't have come." Muttered sullenly. Sometimes she can imagine the stubborn little boy hidden under all those layers.

"I wanted to see how you were," fail to mention Erics prompting. Guilt, it shouldn't have been up to her younger son to make her realise.

"Well you've done your duty, now you can go," bitter, angry. Harsh.

Steps further into the room, stops at the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry," it slips out, so soft.

Silence, he stares at her, shocked.

"For what?" doesn't have a chance to make it angry, bitter. It's not a statement, just a question.

"For not coming sooner." For not insisting, not forcing, not getting you any help. For believing you when you insisted on the phone that you were fine. Complacency, it was her biggest sin.

"I'm fine," he mutters "I don't need...I'm fine." It's a mantra he repeats. He doesn't need anyone, doesn't need her.

"Well I think our definitions of fine are very different," stated bluntly, as only a mother could. Raised eyebrows at the bottles on his bedside table, his ruffled hair. It was eleven in the morning, he was still in bed. "At least let me get the staff to tidy up a bit."

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" Wishing she does, hoping she didn't. "A husband whose wondering where you are?"

"Rufus is spending the last few weeks of the break with Jenny, Eric is always at his new boyfriends place and Serena is staying at the Waldorfs...and I find myself alone... So no I suppose I don't have anywhere else to be." _I shouldn't be anywhere else. Nowhere but here._

A pause, he absorbs this.

"I didn't go to the meeting." How many weeks ago was it now?

"I know," wants to put out a hand and touch his hair, stops herself. Sometimes the smallest steps can be the hardest.

"I don't want.." _I don't want your pity_. He stops and doesn't continue, leaves the unfinished sentence hanging.

"Come back home Charles," it wasn't planned, but it was needed.

A pause, stunned again, the both of them this time.

"I don't think you're husband would like that very much," sarcasm, mocking, challenging. Calling her bluff.

"Rufus will just have to deal," _I'm not bluffing._

A pause.

"Like I said I find myself alone and..."

Ignores her he suddenly gets up. Goes to the draw pulls something out, she pauses. He walks up to her.

"I've been meaning to give this to you, since Paris," abrupt, holds a large vanilla envelope out to her.

"Charles I..."

"Take it," he pushes it into her hands, agitated.

"_Lilly_" scrawled in untidy hand on the front.

"Open it," his eyes seem unnaturally bright. But his voice is monotone.

She does as he says, takes out the papers. Notices the small note clipped neatly on the top of the pile.

_Serena I'm leaving. I'd rather be nothing then Chuck Bass. _

Papers, his whole life, future, signed over to her.

"Charles," shock, numb. She never knew. "I can't," quickly pushes the envelope towards him.

He steps back, as if it is some sort of disease.

"Take it." Dismissive, keeping his voice cool. "Do whatever you want with it."

"You don't mean that."

"Take it I don't want it anymore," voice raised, like a whip. Desperation, anger, need. Can't she see, he doesn't want to be that boy anymore?

Searches his eyes. A long pause. He needs so much more then she can give.

"I'll look after it for you, with Bass industries. Until your ready." Finally concedes, she doesn't know what else to do.

"Do whatever you want with it, I don't care anymore," repetition, same lies over and over until he can almost believe them.

"Come home Charles." All she needed was a small window to convince him. To get him to grab onto the lines they were throwing.

"You should go now," he turns his back on her, grabs one of the bottles. Hard, unyielding. He doesn't want their pity. He'd done it, given everything he had. Now it was time to bury himself.

A pause, she reaches out a hand, to touch his back, to bring him home. She stops herself, again. The smallest steps meant the most, you screwed them up and you screwed up everything.

"Fine," she sighs, yields, turns to go. Stops at the doorway, he still has his back to her, taking comfort in the amber liquid of destruction.

"At least consider my offer Charles, for me?"

A tactical retreat, not a surrender. He doesn't reply, she doesn't expect him to.

She leaves him there alone, she'll come back.

The words haunted her. _I'd rather be nothing then Chuck Bass._ Lost.

She hadn't realised how much he needed her.

* * *

Dreams of bleeding and alleys and _her _smiling down at him as he struggles are interrupted by loud bangs and louder laughter.  
Laughter, he hasn't heard that in a while.

Drags himself up, stumbles to his bedroom doorway.

"What's going on here?" chaos, clothes once on the floor being thrown into boxes. Nate, Serena, Eric going through the suite.

Silence as they all look at him. Wide eyes, a sheepish smile, guilty look and challenging blue.

"You're moving," Serena states it, a fact.

"Mom told me how she asked you to move back in..." Eric rubs the back of his neck nervously.

"And we decided that you are going to." Firm, a firmness Nate could never manage.

Wait, wait for the explosion. A call to security. He blinks slowly.

"Is that my baseball?" staring at the thing in Nate's hand. Like a deer caught in headlights Nate stutters.

"Nate got it back," apparently she's the spokesperson. She was always good at talking her way out.

"Here," Nate throws it, he catches it clumsily, reflexively, stares down at it. "It was the least I could do man." _You had my back, let me have yours._

A pause, he looks at his best friend. They wait with baited breath.

"Wake me when you're done," he turns, goes back in his bedroom, shuts the door doesn't slam it.

Lets the implication of his words sink in.

He'll surrender, let them try and help him, even though he knows they'll fail.

They're still here, despite everything. He supposes the least he can do is let them hope.

He sits on the bed and listens to them talk, laugh, the baseball still in his hand.

* * *

"Chuck come on" she sweeps the curtains back, lets the sunshine pour through. Jumps on his bed, it bounces. "Time for breakfast."

Grumbles, indistinct noise that sounds a lot like an expletive.

"You didn't move in here just so you could sleep all day in your room," grabs the covers, pulls them off roughly. He lets them slide through his fingers.

"Shouldn't you be having breakfast at your own place?" he didn't mention whose house it really was.

"I didn't feel like pop tarts this morning," waves away his suspicious look. "Now Mom wants you washed and dressed and downstairs in twenty minutes otherwise she's coming up, and she hasn't had her morning coffee yet." It was an empty threat, Lilly thought it would be better to just let him lie. Serena knew better.

"I'm not hungry," he states, goes to grab his covers, she's dragged them off the bed, is folding them in an easily carryable lump.

"Twenty minutes," she states, turning to strut out in six inch heels carrying his covers with her.

"I could be back in my suite in twenty minutes," biting, annoyed, a veiled threat.

She turns, raises her eyebrows remarkably like Lilly. Calls his bluff.

"Suck it up," flicks her blonde hair, turns again. "Besides at least this way if you die we don't have to move your stuff."

He almost smiles at this.

* * *

"Charles I wasn't expecting you," surprise flickers over Lilly, he glares at Serena.

"Don't worry Mom I set his old seat next to Eric," smiling sunnily, inside relieved.

Giving up he slips in next to the younger boy who shoves a heap of bacon on his plate. The smell makes him feel sick.

His cup is filled with orange juice, he frowns annoyed looks for the decanter, it's not there. His head aches, thumping against his temple. He needs his morning cure, his poison.

"I haven't seen you wear that shirt since high school," Serena comments, scrunching up her nose at the offending dolphins. Distracting him from his search.

"It's quite interesting," Lilly comments, trying not to wince.

"I felt nostalgic," he comments, he knew Serena hated it. He felt up to making the effort to bait her, it had been a long time.

"You actually wore that to school?" Eric queries, wide eyed. For someone like him it would've meant social isolation.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" distracted for a moment he glances at the younger boy in jeans and a t-shirt.

"It's Saturday Chuck," Serena states.

"Oh," frowns. But it was Monday, wasn't it?

"Speaking of the day tomorrow is the annual galla, being a patron of the arts I expect all of you to attend. "

"Mom..."

"Isn't it a few weeks early? It's usually on September the thirtieth?" cuts off Serena's complaint. He wasn't planning on contributing much, but it had been so long since he'd been in contact with the world. It was good to know social events still ran like clock work.

"Tomorrow is the thirtieth," Eric says gently as Serena and Lilly look at him.

How many days had he missed?

There's an awkward pause.

A mobile trilled, making them all jump.

"Who is it? Lilly enquired as Serena checked the sceen, smiling slightly.

"It's just Dan," she said, glancing awkwardly at the table.

"Humphrey Dumpty?"

"Him and Serena are trying to make it work yet again," Eric commented.

"Why would she want to do that?" stilted, words and curiosity not long used, but still with almost his usual disdain.

"Will the both you stop discussing my personal life like I'm not here," Serena sighed in frustration rolling her eyes.

"But it's just so kinky," it slipped from his lips, a natural response, lewd comments he hadn't made in he didn't know how long.

Eric snorted into his juice.

"Charles," Lilly reprimanded softly, tolerably.

And Serena poked her tongue out at him kicking his leg playfully under the table. Too glad to hear remnants of the old Chuck to be truly annoyed.

It wasn't hard after that, talking. Just like any other breakfast before. Chuck revelled in the nostalgia. He hadn't realised he'd missed this. He almost lets himself believe that maybe family was good for something other then just screwing him over.

* * *

He doesn't stop drinking, because he doesn't _want_ to (_because he can't.)_

But he starts drinking less. Brings it down to normal levels (_for him)._

Lilly smiles in approval, Serena and Eric pretend like he's fine now.

He gets out of bed after all, eats three meals, sits and talks _(Occasionally he slips, but everyone has their bad days)._

He's come in leaps and bounds.

He always drunk behind closed doors nothing unusual there, always with a scotch glass in hand, that was him.

They ignore that fine line he's walking, ignore the fact that one false move could push him over the edge.

Ignore the glass they're treading carefully around.

For all intents and purposes he was better. He _was _Chuck Bass.

* * *

"Lilly how could you bring him here, to our home after what happened..."

"Rufus he...he needs this family right now!"

"What he needs is to _stay away_ from this family."

"If it was Dan would you turn him away?"

"That...that's different."

"No it's not." _He's my son too. _

"Dan would never..."

"Dan thought he'd impregnated a girl and hid it from you."

"Dan made mistakes but.."

"Yes he made mistakes. We've all made mistakes in our life."

_Where would any of us be if we hadn't been forgiven? _

"I will not live under the same roof as him Lilly."

"Charles is staying."

"You're really choosing him over me Lils?"

"No," shocked, it wasn't that way at all. "He just _needs_ me Rufus, I thought you could understand that."

"I don't."

* * *

Eventually they sort it out, they always sort it out.

Eric, Serena pretend like they never heard the argument.

Lilly smiles wildly. Everything is fine.

Rufus frowns when he's in a room, but he ignores it like he ignores Dan.

Chuck Bass the centre of discord. He had gotten used to it.

_Hated it, but he had nowhere else to turn. _

* * *

She gets calls from Blair regularly. Never mentions Chuck. Neither of them do. Sometimes she thinks Blair is about to ask, but then she thinks better of it.

"Why don't you tell her, he's getting better?" Nate enquired once.

"Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Besides she deserves to be happy for a while." The truth was she didn't want to pull Blair back in again. Doesn't say what she was really worried about. Maybe it's not permanent, maybe he'll slip...

Always ends the call with "Everyone is fine here B."

Blair knows what that means, that they're looking out for him.

"Love you S." _Thanks for not making me have to ask. _

"Love you B." _What else are friends for? _

Sometimes they were mortal enemies, but always they were best friends.

_Forever._

* * *

Columbia, he'd never really considered college. Never knew about things such as late admission (for a fee). Bachelor of business, never considered that either.

He tells himself it's something to pass the time. And sometimes he almost thinks that people can change.

* * *

"Hello," picked up the phone naturally. He could have let it ring out, but he needed to do something with his hands, needed a distraction. Sometimes were harder then others.

Silence on the other end.

"Look Humptey Dumpty I don't think my sis really appreciates perverts breathing so..."

"Chuck," she cuts him off, his heart pauses. Almost drops the phone.

A pause, just breathing.

"Blair?" hasn't heard her in so long, had to make sure.

"How..." How did you pick up the phone? How are you? I miss you.

"I'll...I'll get Serena for you," he didn't move even though she was upstairs. Didn't dare to even twitch.

"What are you guys up to?" no suspicion like there would have been before, just curiosity. Serena hadn't told her.

"I live here now."

"Who's idea was that?" it was a good one, something she would have suggested if she had been there...

"Lilly asked me to move back in, she gets lonely." It was the joke among them, he doesn't smirk however. No expression in his face or voice. Like he's on automatic.

There's silence. Both on the precipe, the brink of pouring out the last few weeks.

" I-" so many possibilities, she doesn't manage to get it out. "I hope you're doing better," alternative.

Silence still.

"Chuck are you still there?"

"I still love you Blair," blurts out suddenly, without planning, rough, raw, real.

A pause.

"Chuck I...I sti-" Cut off too soon.

"Who are you talking to ma chere?" a voice on the other end, male, affectionate, unfamiliar.

He drops the phone on the counter, clatters loudly in the empty foyer. Doesn't bother to pick it up, turns and heads straight for the bar.

* * *

"What are you doing here man?" Text messages were handy. Nate stands before him as he sits at the bar, an open bottle and glass in front of him. _Almost empty._ Nate's heart sinks, he had been doing so well...

"She's dating him isn't she, that guy that was on gossip girl?" Slurring, eyes still sharp. Doesn't need to say who.

"How did you?" he runs his hand through his hair, distracted from the implication of the booze. Looks down at his friend.

"She rang for Serena, and I picked up."

"I'm sorry man," awkward, what else was there to say? They knew this would have to happen eventually, hoped it would be a little later, when he was a little stronger, when they were prepared to catch him.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because we thought it would be better..."

Nate understood he really did. How much it hurt to watch the girl you loved with another guy, to smile at her, see her everyday. Chuck ddn't need that, not right now. That was _why._

He sits next to his friend (to limit what goes down). They don't say much.  
Helps him get up to his room. Doesn't tell anyone.

Sometimes you slipped, had one too many. _(Thought about her in a different way, wanted to reach out and take her hand.)_

He understood, he really did. (_He thought he did)._

Sometimes you needed someone to forgive you for being weak.

_He's only human. _

That's what best friends were for.

* * *

He slips up a few times after that. _(Is it becoming more frequent as the weeks go by?)_

Serena, Eric, Nate, alternate in helping to get him home, showered, dressed and in bed before Lilly or Rufus came home.

_Keep up a farce for the parents, it was laughable. They were adults. None of them felt much like adults though. They were losing control. _

He starts getting shadows under his eyes again. Comes later and later to breakfast.

Nate and Serena force him to go to class, have lunch with him in their breaks. (Run from one side of the campus to the other.)

Nate introduces him to some people, social creatures.

He's holding on (_with a death grip. At the tips of his fingers_). He's trying, he really is.

She's living her life and he's living his.

Chuck Bass was _not _beginning to slip. He _was_ trying, like he had promised.

Doesn't let himself listen to the whispers in his ear.

_What was the point in trying when he'd already lost? _

* * *

He avoids the college parties. (Too easy to slip. He will not fall again).

Stays in, plays Wii with Nate, annoys Serena and Humphrey, plays squash with Eric.

Who needs parties with friends like these?

_His life was a mere shadow. _

* * *

It's when they're sitting in the quad together, that's when he realised how much he had changed. _For the worst._

Some of Nate's friend just left, Chuck had stared down moodily at the table the whole time. _One of those moods._

Looks up suddenly as Nate takes a swig of soda.

"You do realise Mike is just a pathetic version of me don't you?"

Nate chokes. Coughing. Recovers.

"What do you mean?"

Raises eyebrows. "Please Nathaniel, the drinking of cheap beer, the parties, the failed attempt at womanising? Why on earth would you befriend someone like that?" _When you have someone like me_.

Nate shrugs, colours slightly. He had thought of it.

"I never noticed before," mutters, makes a show of checking out a chick across the quad.

Silence, glances over. Chuck is still looking at him with raised eyebrows, a shadow smirk gracing his lips.

"Fine," relents, never could hold out long, rubs his neck. "I guess I just...I guess he was a place holder or something man..."

"A placeholder?"

"I dunno when..." doesn't voice_ when_, doesn't have to. "I guess I just missed my fun loving best friend that's all...He was the best Chuck Bass I could get on such short notice." Grins slightly, it's all one big joke. Right?  
Chuck doesn't answer to this, the silence becomes awkward.

"Pathetic," he mutters finally, lowers his gaze.

He's quiet for the rest of the day.

Doesn't tell Nate that Mike was being a better Chuck Bass then he was right now. Fun loving, partying, womanising.

Not sitting dourly trying to stay away from temptation, a wet blanket. All his concentration on trying to keep from falling.

Barely hanging on.

_Pathetic. _

* * *

He's gone a week without slipping. Kept it to a drink a day.(_Gotten a tighter grip on that ledge. A better balance on the rope._). Maybe college was good for him.

He feels like celebrating. Going to dinner with Nate and Serena.

Avoids thinking about the blasts on gossip girl. _Dour Chuck isn't worth blasting about. Echoing his own thoughts._

This is what he's secretly always wanted. Stability, family, love, respect. _(This wasn't how it was supposed to be, not alone). _

_Was this his life? Was this what others felt like, clinging with white hands they became old before their time? It should be easier, would have been with..._

Nate's waiting for him as he looks for a tie. _(His room reflected the chaos within_).

His new phone trills, glances at it automatically.

**The Queen returns**.

A picture underneath to illustrate. Who needs words with a shot like that?

They're kissing, she looks happy. _Happy in all the ways he can't make her Happy while he was just surviving. _

_Failure._

* * *

"Are you all right man?" Nate quickly shoves his phone in his pocket. Hates how they keep asking him that. _He is not weak, no longer._

"Peachy," a sharks grin. Too bright, eyes too wild.

"We can...stay in if you want..." Knows somethings not right. Hopeless at this, Serena would have been better.

Ignores Nate, keeps walking.

"Where are you going?" confused now.

"To a party," holds up the flyer laying carelessly on his side table.

"But what about dinner?"

"You can come with me if you want to live a little Nathanial," dismisses him with a smirk. Turns and walks out without a second thought. He's tired of all these self inflicted rules.

He was Chuck Bass. He _is_ Chuck Bass.

It was funny all it took were three simple words to push him over the edge. And now he was free falling.

Sometimes life was tragic like that.

* * *

"_I only want what I can't have."_

**

* * *

**

A/N: Please review. There might be a next one coming if people are interested. I do have a general idea about where this is going though I don't know if I can really classify it as a story lol. Lots of Blair next one and I'll try to put in a bit more of the other characters. Please excuse me for the spelling mistakes.

**Song is from Fall Out Boy (my favourite band) and is called "From now on we are enemies."**

**As soon as i heard it I thought of Chuck and that scene on Victrolas roof. **

**Pleasssee review this and do not just add it to story alert. I know it's kind of unfair but unless I get at least 5 reviews for this chapter I don't think I'll bother to write more = (. My muse will die! Don't let it die ! = ( **


	4. Sometimes We Love the Wrong Thing

**Warning: Yeah there is drug use in this, and since I've never actually seen drugs in real life, I probably got it all wrong, which I honestly don't mind because when I'm versed in drug use then I'll be worried. Anyway enough about me, just thought I should warn people, hope it doesn't put you off the story, but I felt I had to stay true to the characters. Anyway if you watch the show then you probably won't get offended because Chuck does it all the time. Just want to note I in no way condone illegal drug use for 'recreational' use, because I believe it's dumb and only should be done in fiction, where it should stay! The end of this warning, you can stop reading now and go on with the story = ). **

* * *

**Sometimes we love the wrong thing. **

"_Just going to stand there and watch me burn_

_But that's all right because I like the way it hurts_

_Just going to stand there and hear me cry_

_Well that's all right because I love the way you lie."_

* * *

Louis was kind, sweet, gentle, foreign and most of all his last name wasn't Bass.

In her first week in Paris he "accidentally' bumps into her. Asked her to have a latte with him and 'catch up'. Reveals that he hasn't stopped thinking of her. Silently hopes she hasn't stopped thinking of him. She plunges headfirst fearless, what did she have holding her back?

He was the perfect gentleman.

He was a romantic.

Always pulled the chair out for her, took her to nice resturaunts. Catered to her needs.

He was funny and interesting too, knew how to make her laugh, provoke her thoughts.

A true Prince in every sense of the word.

And had an adorable accent.

She likes him a lot. He understood things about her. _But not everything._

She could be who she always wanted to be with him_. But never be herself completely._

Everything she had always wanted.

_Used to want. _

He was everything she could ever dream of.

_But not what she did dream of. _

And most of all he didn't have any dramas, didn't have any issues.

She could just _be_ with him.

Plus did she already mention his last name wasn't Bass?

* * *

"Louis what are you doing here?" woke up to the smell of pancakes, heads to the kitchen for an adorable man in a floral apron with a pan in hand.  
"I thought I would surprise you."

"You made pancakes?"

"Well they are supposed to be crepes but..." forlorn look down at the mismatched shapes resting on a plate.

She laughs.

He grins.

Who would have thought a Prince even knew how to cook?

Apparently he didn't.

She sit down and tries to swallow down the mess (too floury).  
He laughs at her attempts to commend him through a disgusting mouthful.

"You don't have to pretend for me Blair." If _only he knew. _

He calls his chauffer to buy them some breakfast from a fancy cafe.  
They clean up the mess together while they wait, with lots of laughter. _Chores were a novelty to him._

It was fun.

She tries not to think of how Chuck would never be caught dead cooking pancakes, though he might have liked the apron. It was a bright purple, and she forces Louis to take if off as soon as she can.

She_ hates_ purple.

* * *

Paris was beautiful, even more beautiful when she had someone to share it with.

He took her to the Eiffel tower.

At the top he returned her shoe and told her he loved her.

She laughed, then cried.

It seemed so long ago.

The fairytale she dreamt of playing out right before her.

Shame her eyes were too filled with tears to appreciate it.

* * *

They have a lot in common. He was a good friend, an excellent boyfriend (_just not for her_).

She pretends he is though. _Just for her._

She tells him she loves him. _Why does it ring just a little bit false?_

Justification, it was true, she _did_ love him. _Just not in that way. _

She's so tired of hard she just wants easy.

It frightens her how much harder easy can be.

* * *

When Chuck answers the phone she could have thrown it all away, without even thinking. (That's how natural they were together).

But Louis interrupts her.

She tells him Serena was on the other line. Doesn't know why she lies. _Knows exactly why._

Her fairytale could have shattered in an instant because of her foolishness. (_Because of the truth). _

* * *

She pays extra attention to gossip girl after that.

He's doing better, washed and dressed, laughing with Nate. She smiles.

Then she cries a bit.

She blames it on PMS.

Really she's thinking what if he can only be happy without me?

Doesn't check Gossip girl again after that.

_Let sleeping beasts lie. _

* * *

"Blair Bear the first week of semester has already started, don't you think it's about time you go home?" her father's soft cadences, doesn't push her too hard.

"I've got until the third week Daddy," evasive. She's dreading it (secretly desiring to tread the familiar streets of home.)

She sips her tea like a lady and laughs exactly right at Louis jokes.

Home was far away, far off.

She wasn't to even think of it. (of him)

* * *

It's time to pack, and she starts. Reluctantly, one piece of clothing at a time.

Pauses at a jewelry box, small ruby earrings from him. (remembers the other jewellery box. The one that fit exactly in the palm of her hand, also from _him_.)

She throws it at the bottom of her luggage. Takes the next peice of clothing and covers it.

The earings Louis gave her were so much prettier. _But they were the wrong colour_.

* * *

There's a suprise waiting for her at the airport.

"Blair I want to come with you, if you will have me?" Searches her eyes longingly, he really is sweet.

"But...I...this is such a surprise...I don't know what to say..." to bring a peice of Paris with her to New York?

"Say yes?" hopeful.

She laughs, throws her arms around him and their lips touch. (For the sake of lurking gossip girl followers)

Just like in the movies.

After all she deserved to be happy too.

* * *

"B. I'm so glad your back." Squeels, blonde hair covers everything as she's gathered in a tight embrace.

Smiles widely.

Gossips with Serena.

"_Louis is amazing."_

"_I'm so happy for you."_

Talks about everything but _him._

Eventually Serena rises to go.

"_Date with Dan."_

"_Again Serena," roll of eyes. _

Walks her to the elevator, waits for the enth second.

Slips it in between two other sentences.

"So how is he?" vaguely curious, not personally interested of course.

Serena smiles a bit too wide. She doesn't notice, too busy pretending nonchalance "He's good."

"Good?"

"Yeah...Look elevators here..." disappears through the doors. Wave to Blair as the doors close.

Good...

* * *

It's her first day back at college. Time to reassert the hierarchy (why is it that she doesn't care as much anymore?)

She's on her lunch break, planned to meet Serena at the steps.

Quick text message, "I'll be a bit late B. Held up at the cafeteria."

Thinks she'll intercept her friend there, it's not out of her way.

Finds Serena outside and finds him along with her.

He looks far from good.

He's not in a suit. The purple nikes from senior year with a bow tie to match were like the old Chuck resurrected.

It's not that she's concerned with though.

"Give it here Chuck," desperately trying to drag him down where he balances on the table top, joint held up high.

"Serena go buy your own," laughs and takes another hit.

He looks like hell.

She could have walked away, like she hadn't seen anything (obviously Serena didn't want her to know).  
Instead she walks towards him, always towards him never away.

For a smart girl she can be dumb.

"What are you doing?" her voice sounds distorted.

"Blair?" quick as lightning Serena turns.

He freezes, one leg in the air, mouth agape. The joint falls from his fingers.

_Down, down, down. _

"What are_ you_ doing here?" walks up to him, looks up. Demanding, harsh. Ignores Serena's blabbering. Insignificant. She wanted to know, what was_ he _doing _here_. In _her_ domain (the one place she knew she didn't have to face him).

A pause, a thousand emotions rampant across his face.

Finally he settles on bitterness.

"I'm sorry didn't know you owned the whole campus Princess," gathers himself enough to sneer, not the right amount of inflection though.

"Stalking me Chuck? Really I thought we were past all this..." knee jerk reaction. He always knows how to bring out the worst in her.

"Wait, you didn't tell her?" Malicous grin spreads, Serena the culprit.

"Tell me what?" confused, looked at her best friend.

"Nothing Chuck," snaps at him, "Now get down before..."

"What Serena? Before I'm suspended," smirks.

"Suspended?"

A pause. Absorbs the implications.

"That's impossible," it's weak, she already knows it's true.

"You think you're the only one who can get into Columbia?" mocking derisive.

Old insecurities rise up. Columbia was _hers_, the one place she could start again, independent, no baggage.

That wasn't really why she was upset though.

She hadn't noticed him stepping down, come to stand close to her. He smelt of pot and booze and a mixture of the aftershave she used to love (loved) so much.

Leans forward. Close too close (not close enough). She had almost forgotten what heat felt like.

"It can be just like the old days huh Blair? Maybe we can even have a little liason behind the bleachers, I'm sure you're Prince could learn to share for a price."

She knew. Knew he was trying to bait her, trying to make her hate him. Self destructing. _She knew_.

"You're disgusting," As much hate into that single word.

Promptly turns and walks away. Doesn't bother to glance back.

He looks after her.

_Lost. _

* * *

Campbell house, old familiar. Couldn't follow her in there (probably could but wouldn't be allowed in that state. )

Nate's not where he should be.

Not in the middle of the crowd of jocks laughing.

Sitting in the corner, a text book in hand, clutching his hair.

"Why didn't you tell me?" doesn't care if her voice is raised. Serena is occupied, he's the fall guy now.

Bleary eyes look up.

"Blair?"

"Why didn't you tell me Nate," stands before him, hands on hips. Just like third grade.

Sigh, runs hand through hair. "Chuck?"

"Yes _Chuck_."

"Look Blair now's not really..." Tired, stressed. His essays due in less then an hour and he'd been staying up all night making sure Chuck didn't go comatose on them.

"What, a good time? So when would it have been a good time Nate to tell me?" A good time to find him like this.

"I don't get why it's such a big deal," frustrated now he snaps, throwing his book on the table.

"Not such a big deal..." repeats words, arching her eyebrows.

"Yeah Blair, don't act all holier then thou, like it matters to you or something," glaring up at her now. Didn't deal with stress well, confrontation wasn't his forte either. But she wasn't in a state to argue.

"You think I don't care?" glaring at him now. Voice shrill, people looking at them. To hell with her minions.

"You left Blair," accusing, blue eyes piercing. _You left and we were the ones that had to pick up the peices. _

It's like he's slapped her, almost flinches. Regrets it immediately.

Tense silence, his anger dissipates slightly at her wounded look.

"I'm sorry," sighs again, runs his hand through his hair. "I didn't mean..."trails off. What did he mean?

"No your right I did leave Nate. " trails off, turns to go. What more was there to say?

"Blair," rises, didn't want to leave her like that.

She doesn't turn.

Looks after her feeling like crap.

"Everything all right Nate?" simpering Penelope slinks up, smirking slightly.

Ignores her, grabs his books and storms out of there.

Wasn't it obvious that everything was not all right.

* * *

How did her feet take her here? Right on this elevator _up, up, up_.

_I should leave, get out while I still can. _

Doesn't. Waits until it reaches that familiar corridor.

Her feet take her there, those shining silver numbers.

1812.

Plays with the card in her pocket (from a friendship long forgotten, two blondes and a brunette laughing after parties, collapsing on the same bed, sharing a bottle together, sharing everything. Things used to be so much easier before...)

Finally slides it, hears the satisfying click.

Swings it open, steps in slowly. She prepared herself for the darkness and the smell. What else could she expect?

It's full of people.

What the hell?

They're all in a drunken haze, there is a lot of smoke and powders on the smooth shiny surfaces. A lot of topless girls too and boys in different poses. Loud music playing some obscure tunes just adding to the decadent feel, but not in a good way. It was nothing like the New Year parties he used to host in high school, nothing like anything she'd seen before.

_She should leave right now. _

She takes a step forward instead.

_Idiot. _

Some guy stumbles into her and tries to grope her. Backs up quickly, a disgusted sneer on her face. Stupid, drunken college frat boys, it was like being in a dirtier high school.

If it was though, then where was Chuck? Scans the room, doesn't detect him anywhere in the suite. Only one more place to look, closed door singling the bedroom from the rest. Takes a deep breath and heads for that dark door (stepping around the drunk and drugged as she went).

Opens the door, darkness and alcohol invade her senses.

Eyes adjust, there's someone laying spread eagled on the bed, bottle beside him.

By himself, suprise, suprise.

"Get out," muttered angrily, sits up, sees who it is.

Deja vu.

Those three words, eight letters still hang between them, she's not sure which ones though.

"Who told you I was here? Saint Serena?"

Breaks the silence with a sneer.

"Lilly actually," prim and proper, balancing act. "She said when you're not home most nights this is the place you'll be."

"She sent you?"

"She didn't need to..." _I care._ truth, it was a dangerous thing.

A pause, awkward silence.

"So _this_ is what you do now?" indicates the noise behind the door. _I guess things haven't changed much since I've been gone._ That sentence was implied.

"This is college," he smirks,

"And here was me thinking college was about bettering yourself."

"You've obviously been doing it wrong."

"I was expecting something different..." tired of the banter. Doesn't know what else to say. What happened to that sober boy she saw in those pictures? Time and tide wait for no one...

"What were you expecting?" he sounds...Weary? Angry? Bored? Was it always this hard to read him? Did he always drink this much? So many questions so little time.

"More," slips out between red lips. "What happened to trying?"

"Obviously not all of us could find a Prince Charming to rescue us from our distress," sneered, "I promise you I tried really hard to find one though."

"Obviously you haven't changed a bit," snapped, eyes flashing. Flicks her hair, turns to leave. Always make a dramatic exit. Pride and dignity.

"Why?" she pauses at the door, it's his tone. She knows she's never heard that tone before.

Turns, "Because you're drunk and I'm not interested in listening to your bitter jibes." Superior.

He ignores her, goes straight to the question gnawing at his soul.

"Why didn't you just leave me in Paris Blair? Did you really hate me_ that_ much?" Raw, tired and sad, so sad. She stares shocked. He looks back, searching for an answer. He _needs _to know.

Paris was the remnants of his life in the aftermath. He'd been trying to piece them together, had built some semblance of happiness in the wake of her. And then she had come, in that red dress, with those large brown eyes. And everything had gone to hell from there. Everything...

"_You're world would be better without me in it."_

"_True, but it wouldn't be my world without you in it." _

He could never deny her anything, she knew that.

So why? Why would she call him back just to leave him to his own self destruction?

Did she really hate him that much. Or...could she possibly love him that much?

Too much to let go.

Hope springs eternal, waiting to destroy you.

He hates hope.

They wait there like that, both holding their breaths, waiting for an answer.

Her teeth tear into her lip, her nails tear into her palm, the pain tears into her heart.

She remembers when she was in primary school, their homework for the weekend had been to watch the nature channel. Something about observing the behaviour of animals. Her young eyes had seen a documentary about a lion who had adopted a calf for its young. In the end it had died.

She'd cried into her Daddy's perfectly pressed jumper.

"_Why did it have to die Daddy? It loved the baby so much?"_

"_Oh Bear, sometimes we have to learn to love what's good for us." _

He continues to wait, brown eye meet hazel eye.

Darkness meets darkness, like looking into a reflection, a skewed mirror image of herself. Her future?

She makes her decision.

"If I couldn't be happy why should you?"

Cold, hard. Was it the truth or a lie? She didn't even know.

He winces almost imperceptibly. She gives him a second to rally.

"I hate you," He doesn't disappoint. Venomous, harsh, real belief. Maybe he had truly learnt to.

"Don't worry yourself, we won't have to see much of each other I'll make sure of it", Indifference was the worst poison.

_She didn't care._

She turns and leaves without flinching.

_Sometimes we have to learn to love what's good for us. _

It was better this way...

* * *

"Why didn't you take him to his suite," hissed, hoping Rufus and Lilly don't wake up. Last thing they need is Rufus to have yet another reason not to let him in.

"Their are people passed out all over the place, and lots of...substances...I thought he'd be safer here," trying to keep his voice low, frustrated.

Serena growls, runs hands through rumpled hair.

"Safe Nate? He's barely breathing!"

"That's why he is safer _here _Serena, we managed to get him up to his bed all right, he'll sleep it off...Did you have a better idea?"on the defensive.

"No but...Maybe...I don't know Nate..." desperate.

"It'll be fine," feels regret at snapping. They're all in this together.

"I just hate it," slumps on the sofa, shoulders bowed, clutches her blonde locks.

"Yeah I know," sits gently down next to her. "Chuck can be..."

"No...not just Chuck.." dismissive. "I just hate how scared Eric looks, but how he deals with it...like it's nothing new...Was I really that bad Nate?" looks up at him now, lower lip trembles slightly wide eyes pooling.

A pause, what is he supposed to say?

He remembers how they'd get the call from Blair, Chuck would bring bagels, he'd bring his muscle, and Blair would bring her organizing skills. He has no idea in hell how they kept her alive for so long. Compared to Chuck now though...that was child's play. Not very comforting words.

"You weren't so bad," settles on saying. Can't bear to bring himself to break the blondes heart, no matter how she made his feel.

"Not so bad..." repeats his words, sound stupid as an echo. He flinches slightly. She smiles, watery, no tears fallen yet. "I guess that's something right. I mean at least I wasn't a complete failure as a sister, I didn't die on him right..." slight hysteria.

"Look its two in the morning, we're both tired and stressed and..." scared out of our minds? in over our depth? drowning?... Trails off insignificantly, rises to go. Overstayed his welcome, he can't help her in the way she wants, can't help anyone.

"Don't leave please," grabs his hand impulsively, he pauses, looks down at her. He couldn't deny her.

"How about I get us some ice cream then? Mango with peanut butter right?"

She laughs softly, he remembers.

She follows him to the kitchen, like she can't let him out of her sight. He might disappear, fall down a rabbit hole. There seemed to be a lot lying around lately, so easy to slip.

Watches as he scoops out the ice cream, far too much piled into the bowl, peanut butter on top, her favourite.

Sit together on the counter, their feet hanging off. Just like they used to when they were kids, side by side (two missing).

He finishes his in record time, glances at her as she plays with it listlessly, Thinking...

"You can have it," notices him staring, pushes the bowl into his hand.

A moments pause, her head turned away from him, ashamed.

Doesn't think about it, just does what's natural, what comes as easy as breathing.

Snakes tanned arm around her. Automatically like she was meant to (always had) she rests her head on his shoulder. Just like old times...as easy as breathing.

Sit like that for a while.

"Natie was it this scary...when I used to...did you all feel like this?" voice soft and small, looks up at him. Natie...she wanted her childhood, comfort, friendship, love. Honesty. Nothing frightened NateSerenaChuckBlair. Nothing frightened her Natie.

"I tried not to think about it," states carefully, avoiding her eyes. "If anything happened to you...it was...I just tried not to think about it that's all." clears throat, embarrassed at his honesty. "Anyway at least we had Blair there to take care of things you know...she never would have let anything happen to you." Tries a weak smile, not voicing _She never would have let things get this bad_.

A pause, he thinks maybe he made her cry. _Imbecile._

Suddenly feels her hand on his, tugging his face towards her. So close their almost breathing the same sweet air, lips so close they were almost kissing, intoxicating.

"I'm sorry Natie," whisper. Sorry for what she couldn't say, neither of them could.

They stayed like that, so close, but not quite touching, by a hair.

Lean forward, millimetre by millimetre.

Like gravity pulling them to the centre of the earth.

And just as their lips almost touched.

"Serena honey are you down there?"

"Mom!" quickly disengages from his arms, slipping off the counter she almost runs up the stairs like hell hounds were on her heels. Like she had been electrocuted or electrified. Hard to tell which one.

Left him sitting there, holding a bowl with melted mango ice cream and peanut butter.

* * *

"Hey."

"Haven't seen you in a while," drawls from the bed, face pressed in a dark pillow. He sounds like death itself, been throwing up all morning.

"Well you haven't slept at home in about a week," no accusations, just statement of fact. Eric always had that ability to illicit guilt without accusations.

"I'm in college, I'm sure partying is expected."

"College parties yes...what gossip girl has been reporting not so much..."

"Over exaggeration, glances up from the pillow, checks to make sure he convinced him. Some reason doesn't want to lose his good opinion.

Eric's not convinced, but he ignores it for now.

"You have class now," another statement of fact.

"So should you."

"I've got study hall," unimpressed.

"And I choose to skip a boring lecture taught by yet another man who's had less business experience then me."

"You could help Mom out with the Bass accounts then, you know how she hates to go over them." Trying to entice him.

"I know she's doing a good job," _better then me. _

Sighs, gives up stance at the door, what was the point? Goes to sit on the chair by the desk never used. Swings around it lazily, he watches from the bed through slit eyes and a pounding head.

"Is there something you wanted to tell me, or can I go back to sleep," groans into pillow.

Eric stops swinging suddenly, stopped facing him.

"I thought you weren't going to wake up last night." Dead serious.

Laughs, then winces.

"Really Eric, a bit late in the morning for dramatics?"

"Nate and me wrestled you into the shower, we put it on full blast, freezing cold..."

"No wonder my clothes are damp," interrupts.

Ignores him.

"You barely responded Chuck, like you weren't even there..."

A pause.

"I always wake up. I'm Chuck Bass," blasé, Chuck Bass, his black armour, protect him from all ills.

"You woke up only because Serena managed to get some of that...that stuff that makes you vomit...You know what I can't even remember the name because I was so out of my head with fear that you were going to die, right there on her bathroom floor." Laughs, devoid of humour.

"Maybe it would have been be..."

"Don't say it," snapped angry now, furious. Shocked Chuck stays quiet. Takes a deep breath in, calm was the key. "Don't say that Chuck," quieter now.

A pause, tense silence.

"You know what I realised after I...after it happened." Doesn't need to elaborate on it, only one thing made Eric this serious. "I realised how selfish I had been. How I wouldn't just hurt myself, but Serena and Mom...how could they cope with something like that. Blaming themselves for the rest of their lives while I got the easy way out..."

"It's not your fault," what wasn't his fault? Everything, nothing.

"Yes it was Chuck," leaning forward now, trying to get through. "I made a choice, a really bad choice, and I just got lucky. But if I'd done it a few minutes earlier maybe no one could have saved me... And for the people left behind nothing will ever get better."

His head pounds and Eric's words hit him like knives. From anyone else scorn, but this kid...he was his little brother. And he was genuinely afraid.

"What do you want from me?" tired now.

"I want you to _never_ let things get that bad again. To never do that again." _I want you to get better, _but that was asking too much.

"What do you propose I do then?"

Harder question.

"When stuff gets too much...Come _home_ Chuck, we'll figure something out."

A pause, he absorbs this. Eric knows not all of it will get through, but hopefully something will stick.

"Charles darling I brought you up some breakfast," call from outside the door. _Hope your decent_, who knew what Chuck Bass was up to, even after a night of debauchery.

Sweeps in, a plate of eggs in hand, aroma fills the room.

Pales significantly.

"I think I'm going to be sick," never seen him move faster, practically ran out of the room past Eric and Lilly.

"Oh dear..." Lilly looks forlornly down at the plate. "I thought maybe he'd gotten it all out of his system..."

Eric laughs at her dismay, "It's okay Mom." _You tried your best_. "I'm still pretty hungry though, if you don't mind."

"Of course dear," hands him the plate and he devours it with gusto, feeling like he'd fought a battle. _A losing one._

A pause between them, Lilly looking around the room confused.

"Eric where on earth did Charles go, his bathroom is through there?" finally voices her bemusement.

Almost chokes on his eggs. "He uh, likes to use Serena's..."

"Why on Earth would he do that?"

Shrugs, "He's Chuck Bass."

No other explanation required.

That would probably be the end of him.

* * *

"Hey and how are you today?" smile lights up his face as he sees her on her bed. Flicking through a magazine.

"Dan," wide eyes, looks up. Smile breaks across her face. Sunshine. Doesn't notice the flicker of guilt just before that.

"My class got cancelled so I thought..." does he need to elaborate further. Comes to sit beside her on the bed. "Maybe we could look at the latest famous together."Witty. Plucks the magazine from her fingers.

"It's Cleo actually and hey it has some very relevant articles..."

"Like...How to tell if he's into you. Well I can tell you for fact he is."

Smile tugs her lips.

"Is that so?"

"Certainly."

Lips almost touch. Then he hears it.

"Is Chuck in your bathroom again?"

Sighs, pulls away from him. She guesses the sounds of throwing up did kill the mood.

"He's been like that for about an hour now, I thought he had passed out but apparently not." Rolls her eyes. Make a big show of it, nothing wrong here.

"Doesn't that guy have his own bathroom to throw up in?" raises his eyebrows.

"Yes but he has some weird perverse obsession with mine," scrunches up her nose. Just like old times.

"Well how about I show him to his own," jaw clenches, tight fists.

"It's all right Dan," quickly grabs his arm. "How about we go get some lunch." She'll call Eric to make sure Chuck is still breathing, that term of phrase is becoming less like a joke.

"I don't get why you put up with him," through gitted teeth, but doesn't make a move to the bathroom door.

Sighs, runs her hand through his hair.

"He's had a really hard time lately..." glances at Dan's unforgiving face. "He...he's Chuck okay..." doesn't have anything to follow that.

"He should have stayed in Paris," growls, hostility. Never forget, never forgive. High horsed Humphrey.

"Blair and I are the one who convinced him to come back..."guilty, she wonders if they were wrong.

"You mean Blair was the one."

"No I mean... I was the one that found him and pushed Blair... I couldn't just let him disappear Dan...not like that. Not after we thought..." not after I thought he was dead. _He's friend, he's family._

"I don't get it."

"I'm not asking you to." _Not asking for your forgiveness._

Slightly hostile.

Sighs, she lets it out. It was pointless.

"Why are we even arguing about this it's silly. Lets just go get a slushie an..." Heaving emits from her bathroom yet again.

Both wince.

"Maybe not slushies," Dan relents. At least the jerk was suffering.

"I'll just make grab my bag, wait for me downstairs okay."

A peck on the cheek, he dutifully gets up and leaves. She makes a big show of rummaging in her closet.

He knows as soon as he's out of the room she'll check on Chuck, just to make sure he hasn't expelled all his insides or something.

He doesn't think he'll ever get it.

But he doesn't say a word.

* * *

Stands at the door, looks down at his sorry figure sitting on the floor, leaning his head near the toilet, ready for another surge.

Tempted to take a photo, maybe gossip girl could teach him a lesson. Good for a laugh.

Resists temptation though, this was not the time to laugh.

It never seemed to be the right time anymore.

"What happened last night Chuck?"

"Something that gave me a bad hangover and fussy memories of twins in..."

"Bull shit," maybe it's because she doesn't swear much, or maybe it's just because Chuck's tired of pretending. But he shuts up. "Blair said something about needing to study on a Friday night. Nate drags you home at two in the morning drunk and high off your face. I'm not that stupid Chuck."

A pause, breathes heavy, hasn't ranted that much in...well ever.

"Did Lilly slip something in your coffee this morning? I always suspected..."

Trails off at the unimpressed look.

"What happened last night?"

A pause, tense, balancing act which way would he tip?

"Blair happened." Bitterness.

Serena lets out the breath she's been holding.

"She came to see you?"

"She was willing to destroy the last vestiges of my life, out of revenge...She wants to see me destroy myself. And you know me, happy to oblige her as always."

"Bull shit," twice in one day, it had to be a record.

"What do you know about it," sneers now, annoyed.

"I know she loves you."

"She hates me, she made that clear.."

"No she loves you, and if you weren't as pig headed as her you'd know that. We both know she wants you to believe she hates you in some mistaken idea that if she says it enough that it will be true, and then somehow magically you'll have no power over her. You should know that by now."

"How do you know?" glances at her, surprised at the depth.

"She's my best friend." I just know. Simple.

A pause.

"I told her I hated her...again..."

"She knows that's not true."

"So what do you propose if you're so wise?" annoyed now.

"Chase her, get her back." Challenging.

"She has a Prince now, she doesn't want me..."

"You're all she wants," frustrated now "You're the only one she can be really happy with. She just needs to embrace that again. Don't let her get away Chuck, because if you do... you'll regret it for the rest of your life..." a bit too much passion to just be about him.

"Really?" raised eyebrows, colour flushes her cheeks, comes to herself suddenly.

"I have to go now, date with Dan remember, be good and go to class please."

Quickly turns on her heel, walks out.

"Why do I get the feeling it wasn't Humphrey Dumpty you were talking about Serena?"called after her from the bathroom floor.

"Clean up your own mess first Chuck," her only reply behind her shoulder.

Sometimes it was easier to preach then practice.

* * *

He strolls in casually a minute before the afternoon class was due to start, she tenses immediately.

Thinks look different in the morning, brighter and harsher. Cutting words forgotten, feelings speak louder anyway.

_No._ Eyes pleading.

_Yes,_ smirks eyes straight to her. Middle of the middle, some of the minions in her course sitting the row down. The class was almost empty save for a few die hards and those hoping attendance would prevent flunking. The row she's on empty, she is the Queen after all. Plenty of seats for him to pick.

Curious eyes watch him as he stands there devilishly, pretending like he's trying to choose. Obviously he's made a reputation for himself already.

The lecturer frowns at him disapprovingly but waits until he sits down. One of those crotchety traditionalists.

He chooses the seat right next to hers of course. On her right.

Thinks to get up, but he's already started and she's already settled.

All he has is a note book, makes a big deal of squeaking the desk as he slid it over to place the unopen book on. She bets it hadn't even been opened all term.

Meets the glares of the lecturer at the squeeking desk with a blatant smirk.

"Bonjour ma chere," hoarse voice just above a whisper, almost in her ear, pretends like she doesn't hear, doesn't shiver at the proximity.

Ignores him, if she did it enough he would go away.  
Concentrates on her paper, her pen. Black and white, simple scrawl.

"Am I beneath the Queens attention now?" picks up one of the pens sitting in a line on her desk.

Glares at him. Smirks and doesn't put it down.

Flicks her hair, makes a show of turning to listen intently to the dry tones of the lecturer and the bland slides.

"You know I don't know if I entirely agree with him there," notes, barely keeping his voice below a whisper. People near them look, not so sleepy now at the drama unfolding before them. Some eagerly getting their phones out, hoping to sneakily take a video of her meltdown for gossip girl. She took a deep breath, don't give them the satisfaction.

"You're not even in this unit, so how about you do us all a favour and leave," hisses it through gritted teeth, presenting a tense smile to the rest of the world. She wasn't fooling anyone.

"Perhaps you're right but I choose to stay," almost feel his self satisfied smirk.

"I hope you at least took a shower, you reek of scotch," flicking her eyes disdainfully at him. Really worried at the shadows under his eyes despite herself. Red bow tie today, she notes it's askew.

"I guess having a drink, or a few, for breakfast will do that to the best of us," lifts his mouth slightly, mocking. _I am what I am._

Flicks her eyes quickly back to the slides. _She did not care. _

Allows the silence for a while, twirling the pen in his fingers.

_Tap, tap, tap. _Suddenly sharp and fast against the desk. People look, easily distracted from the drone of the lecturer.

Resolutely ignores it. She did not care.

_Tap, tap, tap. _

She didn't...

_Tap, tap. Tap_

She

_Tap, tap, tap. _

"Will you stop that," snaps aloud could barely be classified a whisper. "Some of us are trying to listen ," tries to quickly compose herself as those close by stare openly now. Settles her headband.

"For someone who cares so much you haven't been taking very many notes," he's right her paper is almost bare, only two lines. She hate it when he's right.

"Could you just leave Chuck?" loses all pretence, her voice desperate.

"I could, but I choose to torment you." Words echoed back to her, oh how simple life used to be when all she had to do was deceive Nate.

A pause as she glares at him and he smirks back.

"Fine," resolute once more, "Then I'll leave." Keeps telling herself, not a surrender, a tactical retreate, regroup then attack. Gathers her books, pens, almost ready to leave, then remembers one is missing.

Holds out her hand looking at him.

"What?" all innocence, if only.

"Give it back." Over patiently.

"No," stubborn.

"You don't need it," through gritted teeth.

"I like it," smrik widens.

"It's not your's." Voices beginning to be raised, more people staring now.

"It's public property Waldorf." Leers.

"It's mine Chuck. Now give it back" last warning.

"If I can't have it then why should you?" infuriating smirk echoing the words of earlier. She lost it.

"Give it back you Bass hole," grabs for it, he dodges, leaning back in the chair. Some of his hair may have been pulled as she leans over him, struggling for the pen.

"Get out of my class room," who knew the old fossil could yell so loud. Red in the face he glared at those who dared to interrupt.

Blair stops dead, remembering where she is red faced. Apologizes, lecturer just glares, repeats himself in steely tones. Red faced quickly settles her dress and picks up her things, almost fleeing from the room as her minions watch with wide eyes, the rest of the students smirking, laughing, gossiping, phones out. Sometimes she almost missed the non gossip girl aware NYU.

He strolls out after her cooly. It's not like he ever cared about embarrassing himself.

"Aren't you forgetting something," just as the door shuts and she's trying to get as far away from him he drawls. Determined not to turn around.

"Go to hell," snaps venomously, keeps on walking.

"Been there, done that. I believe this belongs to you," catches up to her easily with long strides holding up the pen.

"I don't want it," poison.

"That's not what you said a few minutes ago," superior.

Stops dead, refuses to look at him, trying to keep her voice from shaking, from seeing red.

"Why won't you just leave me alone?"

"Because you're so fun when you're agitated." Almost like their old banter, recapturing their youth. She was tired of playing pretend.

"I thought we were done, Friday. I thought it was clear you don't want me in your life and I certainly don't want you in mine." Blunt to the point. What do you want?

"Of course wouldn't want to spoil your fairytale." Slight bitterness creeps in.

"Is that what this is? You're jealous because the life your leading is a far cry from mine. Because I could move on while you just pass out?" barbs hitting, don't get angry get even.

"Move on? Really you call that pansy Prince moving on Blair?" sneers.

"He's far better then what came before," snaps, angrily.

"Really, and does he know the real you?"

"At least he would never humiliate me in front of my peers for kicks," almost yells at him now in frustration. People glance as they walk by, she doesn't care. "He would never bait me, make me think he cares and then...push me away or...He just would..." _never hurt me._

Pause she doesn't voice the words.

"What never steal your pen?" mocking.

She deflates slightly as her anger dissipates, he would never understand, didn't want to understand. He'd made that clear.

"Look I'm just really tired..." _tired of having the same arguments over and over again_. Stuck in a time warp. She goes to leave without another word, he blocks her exit, grabs her arm.

"I'm not done," smirking, playing with her as always.

"You've already managed to humiliate me in my second week back. What more is there, aren't you happy now?" snapping now, annoyed as she tries to struggle out of his grip.

"Blair..." he looks at her, his smirk fading. She doesn't want to hear it, she's tired of his excuses.

"Just let me go Chuck..._please_...," it's that word that makes him release her arm, and she walks away without a second glance, trying to hold the tears back until she got into the privacy of a car straight home.

He watches her walk away, still clutching the forgotten pen in his hand.

"_Just let me go Chuck...please...,"_

_He can't. _

* * *

"A pen B. Really?" arches her perfect brows as she slips into the chair opposite.

"How many people know?" groans, hides her face in hands and brown curls.

"I'd say everyone who reads gossip girl, that is the whole student body at Columbia, oh plus Dan at NYU," trying to be sympathetic lighten the blow, can't help a small smile slipping through.

"It's not funny, it's humiliating S."

"I know, I know I'm sorry it's just...a pen. I mean I knew you guys would fight over everything but..."

"He just...I let him get to me that's all, never again though." Resolute.

"I must say I haven't seen Chuck in such high spirits since well...a while..." trails off awkward. "Not that I'm condoning his behaviour but I think he really missed you B."

"I'm with Louis now," angry reminder. "A true gentleman."

"And what does he think about the whole pen thing then?" smiles again, can't keep a straight face for long.

"Oh you know..." vague, waves her spoon with strawberry yoghurt. Serena gives her the no nonsense look. "Okay so he doesn't even know about gossip girl. It's all for the best really, like I said never again."

"So I'm guessing he doesn't know about your little visit to Chuck on Friday either?" careful treading.

A stunned pause.

"What do you mean?" sharp.

" Studying on a Friday night really?

"Some of us care about our grades Serena." Too shrill.

"C'mon B. You don't have to pretend, I know you went to see him, don't worry your secret is safe with me. You can talk to me you know, we're best friends."

"Was I that obvious?"

"Well...just a bit," laughs at Blair's glare. "Oh and um... Nate might have shown up dragging a really, really drunk Chuck. And this was the depressed kind. I kind of put two and two together and..." trails off.

"Well done Sherlock, but I don't want to talk about it." Short. So busy with her own problems, didn't notice how Serena had stumbled on Nate's name.

"B. You can't avoid the topic forever," serious now.

"Yes I can, just like I can avoid a certain Bass hole S. Columbia has a big campus."

"He's part of Hamilton house too B."

"Well I can find a new meeting place for my minions."

"You two can't avoid things forever."

"Apparently I'm the only one trying to do the avoiding."

"You know that's not true B." Reproachful now, "And you know that's not the avoidance I'm talking about."

"I have no idea what you're talking about S." Blandly clueless, bright smile, rises to go. "Now I have to go and start that assignment I have due, a Basshole is no excuse for a tardy paper."

"B. Don't be like that, you'll need to talk about it eventually," Serena calls after her desperately.

"Au revoir Serena," she waved a hand, refused to look back. Fleeing as fast as her Loubbetons would take her.

* * *

1812 was the place to be seen. They used to have wild parties when they were younger. _It just felt like they were so old now._

It used to be all smiles, limos, sparkling dresses, bubbly wine. When drunk enough stripping down to their underwear and jumping on the bed.

They used to laugh a lot, even Chuck. Laugh and joke and Serena and Blair would mock choke him with his scarf when he said something sleazy.

They used to get on the dance floor, jump up and down, yell (well mainly Chuck and Blair would smirk at the idiocy of Serena and Nate beside them.) Occasionally when Chuck was really hammered he would get on top of a table, a glass in hand, and make some sort of ridiculous toast to decadence while they giggled.

Even when it was just Nate and him, they used to get obscenely drunk and hit on chicks, or gamble outrageous amounts of money.  
They were always left with great pictures and funny (if not blurry) memories.

They were young and dumb and they had fun.

It was like it was supposed to be.

It was always supposed to be that way. Just one big party.

Nate looks around this place now and it's more like a death trap.

Their all taking a little too much. There was excess and then there was death.

Girls in various positions of undress with drunk guys buried in their hair.

Chuck clothes askew, barely conscious, slurring and drinking and smoking and flirting and drinking some more. Getting as lost as he can.

Mike's sitting next to him, laughing too. Apparently Nate had misjudged the guy, he wasn't a place holder he was the worse version.

Nate barely recognises his friend anymore.

And then there's the two most important guests missing, a blonde and brunette. (Serena was distracting Blair while Nate was supposed to take care of Chuck. Take care, no longer a friend a nursemaid.)

"I think this party should end man," sidles up to Chuck as he lounges on the couch. 1812 is starting to resemble a crypt.

"What are you talking about Nathanial it's just getting started," lolls his head, lazy, barely discernible.

"Yeah well from what I've seen so far it doesn't seem worth the wait," muttered, slightly annoyed as another girl crawls onto Chuck's lap.

"Don't be a wet blanket. We're just having some fun," he speaks around her smirking, pushes her off him gently to stagger upright and grab some powder off the table.

"This isn't fun Chuck, this is a frigging over dose waiting to happen," angry now, grabs his friends hand before he can take the bag. "Don't do this, not again." Serious now.

"What are you my nurse maid?" sneers, pulls his arm away.

"You're making me into your nurse maid," bristles. "That's all I feel I ever do with you now, make sure you don't kill yourself. Hell Chuck why can't you just get it together man, the rest of us have to?"

"I'm sorry I forgot about you and your little drama's with Serena." Cool now, icy cool. Time to cut all ties. "Look Nathanial just because your not getting any doesn't mean you have to deprive the rest of us. Anyway I'm sure if you just walked into my 'sis' room she'd be happy to oblige you, I hear she takes twenty an hour."

_He's your best friend. He's your best friend. He's your best friend. _

It's his mantra, kept him from punching something.

"Look your drunk and...high and I'm tired." Sighs, rubs the back of his neck. "How about we just tell everyone to leave and play some Wii or something man, like old times?" Try and mend the bridge, Chuck is already lining up the powder.

"Wii," scornful, pauses in his crafting. "Please Nathanial maybe it's time you realise some of our tastes have sophisticated over stoned high school friends and their bare minimum IQ."

_He's your best friend. He's your best friend. He's your best friend. _

"Now are you going to party with us," He held up a discarded packet up, out to Nate. Challengin him, he'd never done that before, never. Always to those people he scorned, despised (Humphrey) but never Nate, he never had to prove himself, they were just best friends. _No longer._ "Or should I call security?"

_He's your best friend. He's your best friend. He's your best friend. _

The problem was this guy was looking less and less like his best friend as time went on.

'I'll find my own way out," not a sophisticated come back, just hard, cold, real. _You want to burn some bridges? I'll help you with that. _

Turns and storms out, doesn't look back. (If he had would have noticed Chuck looking after him, regret...)

Slams the door behind him, childish he knows.

Gets all the way to the lobby before he runs out of steam.

Never could stay angry for long.

Pauses there, what the hell was he supposed to do?

Turns to look back at the elevator. If he went back up there punching something was sure to happen.

_He's your best friend, he's your best friend. He is your best friend. _

"Screw it man," muttered to self, kicks the pot plant. People skirt around him.

Settles on slipping out his phone. Number one speed dial.

"Hey Serena, sorry to bother you but uh...I just lost it and I...I was just wondering if you wanted to wait with me here in the Palace bar until..." _Until we can go back up to 1812 and do some damage control. _

A pause.

"Of course Natie, I'll be right there."

No questions asked.

That's what friends were for. Drag themselves out of bed to wait at a bar. Or wait at a bar until you were ready to let them in again.

_He's your best friend. He's your best friend. He's your best friend. _

It was still true.

Those sorts of bonds (four) never burnt away, not matter what you did to try and make them go up in flames.

* * *

"Serena where are you?" knows she's whining, but was preparing Breakfast at Tiffany's and sushi.

"B. I'm so sorry...something came up..." Something, code for_ him_.

"Oh," she did not care. "Well should I expect you at all tonight then? You never seem to sleep here anymore."

"I know B. I really am sorry," rewind, repeat. "It's just Mom could really use the help now...It's just easier this way...But it won't be like this forever." _I promise_, one they both knew she couldn't keep.

"It's okay...Louis wanted to do something tonight anyway..." I understand, I do, doesn't mean I have to like it.

"Look I have to go. Raincheck?"

"Yeah sure..."

"Love you B."

Dial tone before she can reply.

* * *

"Dan?" smiles brightly at him (maybe too brightly) as she steps down from the stairs. Hair is mussed, eyeliner smudged, she hasn't gotten much sleep.

Still looks like a goddess though. Still takes his breath away.

"I thought I would surprise you," weakly holds up a box of candy. Cliched he knew.

"Surprise me?" slight confusion, bemused smile as she throws her arms around him.

"Uh yeah," pulls away from her, brows furrowed. "For our anniversary...? You forgot." A statement, her face already gave her away.

"Oh my gosh I am so sorry, I just... I am so sorry Dan," guilt, seeps into everything. Tears pool in her eyes, always too ready to cry recently.

"Hey, hey it's okay," quickly embraces her in a bone crushing hug, all annoyance vanished. Can't bear to see her cry. "I know you've had a lot on your plate lately. It's only something silly."

"No it's not," protests muffled into his shirt. "It's not and I can't believe I forgot it. I'll make it up to you I promise." Pulls away to look at him sincerely in the eye, desperately searching for something to do. "How about we go out, just you and me no interruptions, no drama. The whole day."

"That...that sounds great, better then great actually." Smile breaks across his face, gosh is she beautiful.

"Perfect, I'll just get ready," quick kiss on the cheek, then her long legs have disappeared upstairs. At the top, looks back down at her. "Maybe you could pick a dress out for me while I take a shower?" small smile plays her lips.

'Perfect," he repeats her dumbly. Follows after her more slowly, grinning like a fool.

When they get to the corridor smoke is everywhere.

"What the?" no need to guess where it's coming from.

Serena barges straight to his room, swinging the door open, plans forgotten.

"Chuck what the hell, you're going to set off the smoke alarms." Barges in, angry, Dan hangs around the door. Moral support.

Chuck's on the bed, joint in hand, open bottle on the bedside table along with a glass.

Serena stops, running out of steam.  
"I thought you were passed out?" finally settles on saying.

"I thought you'd gone out," continues to stare at the ceiling. Still dressed in a suit from last night, pink bow tie this time. Takes another hit.

"Give me that," snaps, go over grabs it from his unresistant fingers. "Shouldn't you be spewing in my bathroom right now?"

"Didn't you hear, the best cure for a hangover is to retox," drawls.

"Yeah well..." turns to put it out on the ashtray next to the bed. Stops dead, the joint drops into the tray.

"Uh Serena are you...?" maybe it's time he takes a more active role. Chuck sneers over at him, doesn't have time to say anything.

"Chuck what are these?" dead serious now, holding up a little white bottle, confronts him.

A pause.

"Don't pretend you don't know what sleeping pills are," sneers, rising from his spread eagled position, "Please the guy has slept with you already, you don't have to keep up the virginal act 'sis'."

A pause, both stunned at the jibe.

Deep breath, keep it together.

"I'm flushing these down the toilet, and if I ever catch you with more I'm telling Mom. This has got to stop Chuck." It was a weak threat, but she didn't have anything else.

Turns , walks pass Dan, hard blue turns soft as she glances at him apologetic 'I'll be right back.'

He guesses they've all forgotten Chuck has his own bathroom. Or maybe she wanted to get out of there before she said something she'd regret. Dan didn't have that problem.

He glared at Chuck, standing now.

"What is your deal?" snarled, practically spat. Chuck smirks derisively.

"I don't have to explain myself to a Brooklyn wannabe."

"I mean it," looking at him now. "Everyone is trying to help you. Serena has done more then she should, and you just keep on throwing it in their faces what is your problem?"

"Actually that's _their_ problem not mine," the smirk is beginning to fade. "Now are you going to get out of my room, or should I call security?"

"Serena invited me here," challenging.

"I don't believe when she invited you in she meant for you to have a free lease of the house. Now get out."

"I'm just trying to understand," shakes his head, "I get that your Dad was messed up, and your mum turned out to be a manipulator but..."

"She was not my mother," he's standing now, his voice cold and low. Dangerous like ice.

"Serena told me about the pate..." taken aback slightly.

"Well Serena got it wrong. " cuts him rudely. "My mother died on the 12th of March, that woman was nothing but a gold digging harlot. You understand that Humphrey?"

A pause.

"Now get out."

Dan does just that, closing the door behind him, but not before he saw Chuck grab the bottle by the bedside table, didn't even bother with a glass.

Despite himself he kind of gets it now. After all where were you supposed to turn when your own parents simply didn't want you?

* * *

"Hello anyone here?" rolls her suitcase off the elevator, looks around. Nothing has changed. Smiles slightly. The place seems empty though, frowns Dan said he had Monday's off, she knew they'd usually be spent with Serena.

"Hello?"

No reply.

Makes her way up the stairs, wants to throw her suitcase in the guest room. (Guest room, was that all she was now, a guest?)

Almost at his door when it opens.

"I thought you were..." stops dead, so does she.

Remembers that awkward moment, visiting, never planned to bump into him again.

_You ruined everything. _

His eyes don't say that anymore, they don't say much. Like their dead or something.

She's holding her breath, waiting.

"I didn't know you were back..." slips out, awkward.

"I'm not. Just visiting, for thanksgiving...It was meant to be a surprise..." voice is small, cracks slightly with nerves.

A pause.

"I'll go pack." Voice monotone.

Disappears back into the bowels of his room, she blinks slowly, staring after him.

"Chuck wait," _what the hell was she doing?_ Swung the door open anyway, followed in after him.

Stops, shocked. Looks like a bomb has hit the room, doesn't fail to notice the empty bottles.

Eric had told her via email about things...seeing was believing.

"I'll be out of here in minutes," laughs shortly, pours amber liquid in a glass and drowns it down. Scotch, made her stomach turn. Wanted to puke on the expensive carpet. She hated scotch.

"What happened?" to the room? To him?

Dark eyes glance at her, she expects a snide comment.

"I don't know," it's the truest answer he's give anyone. He's more of a lost boy then he lets on.

Drops his gaze, can't bear that look in her eyes. Goes to sit on the bed, shoulders slumped, head in hands.

There's a long pause, she wonders if he's still breathing.

"I'm sorry." Comes out suddenly, doesn't look up, hair still clutched in his hands like he can pull his worries out through it. Muttered, tired, hoarse, coarse.

_I'm sorry for everything. _

She stands there awkwardly, watching him, shocked.

Because that was her, her a year ago. And he'd tried to help, long before she spiralled completely out of control and his heart was ripped out on the Empire state building.

"_Be careful, Jennifer Humphrey. If you come down the rabbit hole, it's going to take more than Blair Waldorf and your army of minions to drag you back out."_

Turns out it had taken a mistake, the biggest mistake of her life.

Her salvation spelt his destruction.

She knew now, it was no one's fault.

They were both just damaged, she could relate.

That's why she steps forward, slowly, hesitantly sits beside him on the bed. (Haven't you learnt your lesson yet Jenny Humphrey? She tells the voice to shut up.)

"Chuck I for..."

"Chuck we brought you a bagel," Serena's sing song voice comes from the hallway. They both jump up shocked, too late to do anything else.

Door swings open.

"I have to change, Dan's taking me to a romantic dinner in..." stops shocked, stares.

Worse thing was she wasn't alone.

"What the hell," resembles a traffic light, stops at furious.

"Dan it..."

"What the hell is going on here?" ignores her, eyes only for Chuck. Barges forward fist already clenched.

"Isn't it obvious?" just had to open his big mouth, bitter smirk. Never heard of draco dormies nunquam titilandus Chuck? He never did read the Harry Potter books.

"Dan stop it," shrieks, quickly stepping in front of him, trying to calm him down. "Don't."

"Woah, woah," tall blonde comes to grab him from behind. "Dan..."

"Get out of the way Jenny," he snarls, trying to pull out of Serena's grip.

"Dan just leave it," screams at him, frustrated. "Just leave him alone okay."

Jenny Humphrey protecting Chuck Bass, it stops Dan dead in his struggles.

All of them shocked at the outburst, even her.

A pause.

"Nothing happened okay?." Sounded lam even to her ears.

"He is not staying under the same roof as you," snaps, still glaring at him. Calmed down enough to listen though.

"I'll stay at the loft with you," intercepts before Chuck can open his mouth again. "It's my real home anyway."

"Are you satisfied now?" Serena voices, slightly unimpressed.

"Yeah, fine," settles his jacket. "I'll take Jenny home now. If that's all right with you?"

"Fine," slightly frosty, a talk was inevitable.

Grabs his sister arm, she shakes him off, walks ahead. Girl needs her dignity. Doesn't dare to glance at Chuck or Serena as she leaves, embarrassed.

"So what happened?" turns on him once they hear the elevator ding.

"We had a D&M." Deadpan. "You want a drink?"

Shakes her head in disgust, struts out. Had enough of him for the day.

Happy anniversary Serena.

* * *

They hold out until dessert.

That's got to be some record or something, dessert on thanksgiving.

The pie comes around.

Chuck had been sitting quietly between Eric and Serena, Dan and Jenny on the other side, Rufus and Lilly at the head.

Serena didn't want to know what her Mom had to do to convince Rufus to let Chuck stay now Jenny was here.

Rufus was tight lipped in flannel, glaring at Chuck every now and then, alternating between telling bad jokes to everyone else.

Jenny was awfully quiet (had been staying at the loft.)

Dan was tense (he and Serena still hadn't had that talk.)

Lilly kept up wide smiles and conversation, keep up the pretence of a happy family, not a twisted mess.

Chuck's looking gloomily into his glass, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Not since Bart has he felt this awkward. A disappointment. He had wanted to escape, but Lilly had dragged him down.  
_"Please Charles for me."_Guilt trips sucked.

Rufus had gone to check on something he had been baking (just like a traditional Humphrey thanksgiving). Lilly turned to the table, not much conversation was to be had among the younger occupants.

"So Jenny what sort of college were you looking at?" Lilly enquires kindly, drawing the girl into the conversation.

"I don't know, I have to work on my grades. But I was thinking maybe NYU, something local you know..."

"And what are you thinking of studying?" keep it generic, a good hostess.

"Art and design, maybe coupled with business...I don' t really know though," colours at her ambition.

"Well have you thought of Columbia then? They have a great business program right Charles?" Don't make it awkward, it was just a question.

A pause.

"Sure," he drawled, taking another drink. "Good enough." It was just a bored statement, meant nothing, it didn't have to.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Dan bristling for a fight all evening. Serena was angry at him, but couldn't he see Chuck didn't deserve a second chance. Not after whatever he walked into with Jenny and him. Both looking guilty, Jenny with flushed cheeks and wide eyes. She wouldn't tell him what happened but he could tell she was upset, something eating away at her. He wasn't going to just let that slide.

"What do you think Humphrey?" sneers.

"Now you two..." Lilly begins, trying to sound warning, looking more worried. "How about you have some pie?" any distraction will do.

"I'm sure Daniel is in need of some," lewd comment under his breath, just loud enough for the person concerned to hear. Eric almost chokes on his juice.

" That's it you jerk, get up," Dan slams the chair back, glaring.

"Daniel," wide eyes, shocked.

Chuck actually rises, disdainfully.

"You may have gotten in a few lucky punches but don't think you're anything special." Sneers.

"Lucky? Really because those black eyes made me think maybe they were well aimed."

"Dan can you just stop," Serena says wearily.

"How about you tell that to Chuck," Dan snaps.

"I'm done here. Lilly the dinner was exquisite, too bad I can't say the same for some of the company." Turns to leave, settling his jacket.

"Charles don't..." Lilly began.

He ignored her continued into the living area towards the elevator. Out of sight out of mind. Apparently Humphrey didn't get the message.

"I'm not going to let you run away as per usual," Dan walked after him, spoiling for a fight. "Coward."

Chuck stopped dead in his tracks, in the middle of the living room, his nails biting into his palm, his hands shaking. Punching Humphrey wasn't sounding too bad.

"Real original," he settled on saying. Indifference. Who cared what an upstart thought.

"You know what your problem is?" hit them where it hurts. Chuck screwed him over, his family over, time after time, it was his turn now.

"I'm a jerk? Really you're not all that inventive..."

"You destroy everything, everyone around you. Love, hate, it doesn't matter to you does it? You screw with everyone and think you're above everyone else. And they just keep on helping you and you keep on hurting them. No wonder Blair hates you. Of course you can't help yourself can you?"

It was those words, the one's implied by his father every time, echoed back to him.

_Failure, screw up, disappointment. Every time your true colours come out._

_You just can't help yourself. _

He ignored whatever else Dan was ranting about, kept on walking, pressed the elevator button desperately, needed to flee.

Coward.

Needed to get out.

The train was slipping off the tracks, it was only a matter of time before it crashed.

Rufus walked into the dining room, pie in hand. Took in the stunned faces, different phases of upset.  
"What did I miss?"

* * *

"Are you ready yet ma chere?" he walks into her room, she's spraying the final touches, a sweet perfume Louis thought was divine.

"Just finished," laughs as he snakes his arm around her waist.

"You look perfect," says, looking adoringly at her reflection.

Red dress, black shoes. She felt perfect, (_almost_).

"I have something for you," whispers in her ear, she giggles slightly. She's young and free with a beautiful Prince on her shoulder, she should be light and happy.

Turns around, he picks up a flat box thrown carelessly on her bed.

Pulls back the expensive ribbon, he opens it for her.

A necklace resting inside.

Divine.

Not Eric Beamon.

Probably thousands of dollars more expensive.

"Louis it's..." gasps.

"I was going to give it to you later at dinner but I just couldn't wait." Delighted at her shock. "I want tonight to be per..."

Her phone trills interrupting his sentence.

"I'm so sorry Louis I'll just turn it off," quickly grabs it from the purse on her table. Knows she could have ignored it.

Nate. What? He hardly ever calls lately, unlike Serena he still blames her passive aggressively.

"Blair?"

"I just have to..." doesn't finish her statement, feels a sinking in her stomach. Quickly slips into her bathroom, away from concerned eyes. Something was wrong...

"Nate?"

"Blair, hi I uh..." he sounds weird, stunned, his voice is hoarse.

"Is everything all right?"

"I'm in the hospital," blurts it out.

"What? Why? What happened? Are you okay?" thousands of panicked emotions whirling inside.

"It's not me it's Chuck. I found him Blair..." she hardly heard anything after that, something about Nate dropping over after class, empty bottles, sleeping pills..."He wouldn't wake up Blair. They say they have to pump his stomach."

"I'll be right there," presses the red button. Lets the phone slip from her fingers.

"_He wouldn't wake up..."_

Practically runs out the door.

"Blair what is..."

"Louis I'm sorry I have to go," doesn't wait to explain, flees.

Maybe she was never destined to have perfect.

* * *

"Nate."

Runs straight to his arms in the white room, clutches him tight.

Loses himself in her familiar blonde locks.

Tries to hide his red eyes.

Shit he had been scared.

'I'm so sorry," repeats into his shirt, familiar crisp after shave preventing her tears spilling. Safe, they were safe, together.

"It's not your fault," mutters back, voice hoarse.

No one's fault. All Chuck's.

He was his best friend, how could he pull crap like this?

He didn't understand.

"I'm still sorry, I should have been there..." she'd grown up so much, taken responsibility, like it was hers. Making up for all those times she had been the one losing control. Redemption was a bitch, but she bore it so well.

His heart swells for her selflessness.

"I love you Serena," slips out, natural.

"I love you too Natie," pours out of her instinctively. He was hurting, she need to help him. Not clear, love you as a friend? More then a friend?

This girl would drive him crazy.

* * *

He meets her at the coffee machine, she stops hitting it and stares at him.

"Need some help?"

"No," frosty.

"Oh, okay..."

She turns to go, was that the end.

"Hey, hey don't go," grabs her hand quickly.

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Look Serena I'm sorry...I'm sorry for everything."

Looks at his desperate eyes, sincerity. Softens, bites her lip. He cared, he really did.

"It's not your fault Dan," touches his face lightly with her other hand.

"I know but I still feel bad..." relents. "I just want you to know, despite being a jerk recently, I love you, I will always love you. No matter what."

A pause.  
"Right that sounded less corny in my head," smiles weakly.

Laughter rises out of her, bubbly and light. He always knew how to make her laugh even at the worst of times.

Impulsively throws her arms around his neck. He smells of coffee and a woodsy smell, comforting.

He envelopes her in a strong embrace, not too tight, not too loose either.

"I love you Serena," repeats fervently. I_ couldn't bear to lose you._

"I love you too." _Me neither._

There seemed to be a lot of that going around tonight. Hospitals brought out the best and worst in them all.

* * *

He's asleep for a long while. Pale, shadow under his eyes. She sits there, holding his hand, the others come in and out.

Ironic when he finally opens his eyes they're alone in the room.

"Why did you come?" voice is hoarse, winces.

"I..." doesn't continue.

"You won't stay?" _Be with me._ Not a statement, still hope.

A pause. Why did they keep on doing this to each other? She didn't know any other way.

Dark eyes meet dark eyes. Barely keeping it together.

"I can't..."

"Get out."

"Chuck..."

"Just get out Blair...now. Please, just go." Voice breaks slightly, reflects cracks on the inside. Ready to shatter, can't in front of her.

Tears blur her vision as she leaves, stupid heels clicking against the floor, matching the steady beat of his heart.

She feels like hers has flat lined.

* * *

Once out of the room she lets the tears fall freely, who cared who saw her now?

Wrong place, wrong time.

"Blair?" Last voice she thought she would hear.

"Oh my gosh Louis I..." can't continue, sobs again uncontrollable. Lost control of the flood gates.

Pulled into a warm embrace, strong arms, strong cologne. Foreign, sweet, opposite to everything she knew.

Allows herself to wallow for a while, he lets her. Finally she gains enough control to stop sobbing, though the tears don't stop falling.

"You came to see him didn't you?" Louis was no fool, he'd seen the looks, the tight lips whenever her friends mentioned the name. He knew there was something more. "I wanted this night to be perfect and..."

"I'm so sorry," could she feel any worse? "I'm sorry I can... I can't explain really Louis. I love you I do, but I just..."_ I love him too, I can't let him go. _

"No listen," interrupted her, pulled her out of his embrace so he could look at her. "Blair tonight I wanted it to be perfect for you. Because I wanted to tell you I am in love with you. I have never felt about anyone the way I do about you. And I want to introduce you to my family, for them to see how amazing you were. I was going to propose we go on a plane tonight but..."

"I ruined everything," sobs start racking her body again. He was in love with her...and she didn't know what she felt anymore.

"No, don't you see. I am in love with you Blair, all of you. And if you need to be here...I will stay here with you. That's what love is no? Give and take?"

Her sobs turn into choking laughter, buries her face once more in his expensive cashmere shirt.

Give and take.

What more was there to give?

"You are too good for me," she whispers into his shirt. She should let go of him at least.

"I am only as good as you deserve." Why did he have to be so perfect?

She doesn't let go of him, just lets him hold her, stroke her hair, murmur that he loves her.

Lets him hold her together. Keeps her from breaking apart.

* * *

Lilly comes home in the early hours of the morning. The others were there, there was nothing else she could do.

The doctors said he was stable now, would be ready to come home in a few days. She had no idea what she was going to do.

Rufus had gone to stay with Jenny at the loft, he didn't want to leave her alone. Eric had gone over to his boyfriends for support. So Lilly came home to an empty house, or what she thought was empty.

"Charles," he freezes on the stairs, he has a bag full of things, passport in hand. "You're supposed to be in the hospital."

"I checked myself out early," he looks terrible, dressed in a top and pants she knew he hadn't even bothered to check were clean. He sounded terrible, hoarse. His eyes were red, like...

"Charles you can't leave you're not well..."

"You can't stop me," cold, hard. _Get out of my way. _

"What happened you can talk to me," desperate now as he gets over his shock, makes his way down the rest of the stairs, to the elevator, presses the button.

She could probably call security, but then what? She couldn't hold him forever.

"I need to leave..." muttered, avoids looking at her. Guilt, she's probably the only one who can illicit it so strongly in him.

"Charles where are you going to go? Please..." she takes his hand, their colours almost match, how pale he was and frail looking. Like a little lost boy.

"Lilly don't you see it's better this way," looks at her desperately, dark eyes meet light ones. A cornered animal.

"Better for who Charles?"

Looks away, takes his hand back gently. "It's best this way," repeats. The elevator doors open, relief. Doesn't need any more confusion, any more conflict.

"Charles," a thousand things run through her mind as he looks up at her from that elevator. "Just come back home when you're ready..."

Nods once, holds eye contact until the doors slide shut with finality. She doesn't know if he will come home She can only hope.

* * *

He doesn't know his destination until he gets to the plane.

Then again maybe he always knew exactly where he was heading.

He'd reinvented himself there once before, why not again?

Watches the lights over the city, breathtaking,

Held the piece of paper from the file he'd taken with him (still had PI's on retainer.)

Got lost a few times, but finally stumbled down the little cobbled alleyway, stopped at the faded red door of a modest house.

Knocks.

A few minutes of his heart in his throat, then it's opened.

Shock fills her face.

"Charles?"

* * *

"_I love the way you lie."_

* * *

**This is mammoth but not over yet I still have some vague ideas for at least two chapters more maybe. Please if you add it to alerts/favourites review! Or even if you just read it! I know Louis is too good to be true, but he's a Prince come on what are the chances of his character even existing? That's my excuse lol. I hope it's not OOC I hate how judgmental Eric has gotten towards Chuck in the show though. After all Jenny has done to Eric and he takes her side. My Eric believes in bros before hoes, literally = P. Pleasseee review and you'll give Chuck a bear hug! = D Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I'll fix them up later, I just really wanted to post. Some of this is a bit of a repeat, also apologize for that. But that is Chuck and Blair, their cycle of love hate, lust repeats all the time and I love it = ). **


	5. How Can I be Anything Other Than Me?

**How Can I be Anything Other than Me?**

"_I've got it on my mind to change my ways_

_But I don't think I can be anything other than me_

_Do you have a light? Can you make me feel all right?_

_There's plenty of light to go around_

_Do you think its right when you hit me to the ground?_

_Well light me up when I'm down. "_

* * *

"I love you, you know that right?"

It bursts out suddenly while they're in the middle of watching some chick flick she'd put on, middle of popcorn between her hand and mouth.

She pauses, looks at him surprised.

"What brought that on?" wide eyes say.

"I just thought...you know maybe... I don't tell you enough..." smooth Humphrey, real smooth.

Perplexed, but smiles at his shyness and blush. Inside that self assured university student there would always be that bumbling awkward geeky boy.

She loved him for that.

Told him so.

"I love you too."

"Do you Serena?" should have left it alone. But he can't because he just can't ignore the signs. She's always breezing away, and Chuck isn't here to be her excuse.

"Of course, what do you mean by that?" affronted now, best defence was an offense. She wasn't lying anyway, she _did_ love him.

A pause, searching, everyone was always searching for more from her. More than a sweet smile, blonde locks and blue eyes to be lost in. More...

"Nothing, I didn't mean anything," brushes away his uneasy feelings. No need to sabotage what they had. He couldn't let go of it, even if he wanted to. "I'm just being stupid."

Smiles, snakes his arm around her and kisses her cheek.

Sweet, gentle, soft.

He loved her, and only her.

She loved him too, but it wasn't exclusive.

* * *

"Serena are you even listening to me?" demanding.

"Yeah sure you want to take down Sarah something..." vague, careless. Concentrating on her phone, biting red lip.

"Not Sarah something, Sarah I'll challenge your queenship nobody. That text better be important Serena," demand attention.

"B. I thought you were past all this?" sigh, drags eyes away from the screen.

"She insulted me in front of everyone, I want to see her hang for this," outraged, insult to even suggest she would let that go.

"Fine, well I'm sure you can take care of it without me..." gathers blue bag and latte.

"Who texted you?" suspicious now. "It's not Humphrey because you're not doing that silly five year old giggle you _always_ do whenever he's mentioned." Suffering sigh.

"It's just Mum. I have to go B..." evasive, too obvious. Red nails snake out, quick as lightning grab her phone from her fingers. "Blair give it back!"

"Not until..." pauses mid sentence as sees last text. Serena deflates, like a balloon.

"Nate?" raised eyebrows.

"He's just lonely..." it means nothing, absolutely nothing.

"Lonely? He hasn't had a room mate since..." since Chuck got back last year, and couldn't bear setting foot in the hotel that spelt his doom. "Lonely? Really?"

"Yes really!" determined. "We've been friends forever B. The four of us used to jump on the bed in our underwear remember? It means nothing." _Just like then..._

"That was before!" (_Look how well that turned out for us_) Pre tangling. You wish it meant nothing.

"Look I've got to go," can't handle this right now, repossesses phone, turns to leave.

"Serena you shouldn't be messing with this stuff," called after, _you have no idea what you're getting yourself into._

Ignores her, one single hand wave to acknowledge hearing. It wasn't going to change anything though.

* * *

It starts off with a Wii death match of course, tennis.

He wins the first round.

The second round she plucks the remote from his hands just as he's about to pound her into the dirt once more.

They tussle, laugh, then they're falling onto the couch.

And suddenly it's like everything stops.

Remote falls from her fingers, hits the carpet, soft thud no one hears.

Preoccupied with the thudding in their chest.

Blue meets blue, fingers intertwined.

_Closer, closer, closer. _

Lips destined to meet.

Phone suddenly trills, she's too wrapped up to really notice.

_Closer, closer, closer. _

Vague thought, something about meeting somebody...

Phone continues to ring, irritated tsk.

"Leave it Serena," murmured.

_Closer, closer, almost there... _

Louder now, more insistent.

It must have been...

_Dan. _

"No Nate," trance is broken, wildly pushes him off her, flees again.

Left on the carpet with tousled hair and an unfinished game.

* * *

"B, I could really use you right now," tearful voice through the receiver.

"I'll be right there."

Takes her about ten minutes to get to the Palace bar.

Finds her friend, empty cosmopolitan glasses in front of her.

She could have filled them up with her tears.

Bartender chancing interested looks, steeling up enough nerve to approach.

Blair saves him the trouble.

"What happened?" voice soft, slides into the stool next to her. No sudden movements, don't spook her.

"I can't believe I did it B," looks at her friend, mass of guilt. "I mean just the other day I was telling Dan I loved him and..."

"Nate and you didn't...?" shocked happened quite this soon, but not surprised.

"No, no, but we almost kissed Blair. I'm doing it all over again. It's like I can't be with one without hurting the other." _Can't find that happy balance of friendship and love._

"That's because you have to choose..."

"I _did..."_

"No, Dan chose you, and Nate was angry. But now..." Now is the time for you to choose.

Pauses, allows her friend to absorb the implications.

"Do you think it's possible to love two people equally?" In different ways, for different things, but with the same intensity, the same feelings. Equal.

Blair's painfully aware of her Prince, who she loves, and a boy somewhere far away, who she's in _love _with.

"No," sharper maybe then necessary. "You have to choose Serena, one of the other, you can't have both." _You have to sacrifice something, we all do._

Serena avoids her dark gaze, plays idly with the glass in front of her.

Couldn't decide whether it was half full or half empty.

* * *

"Charles are you all right?"

"Fine," tries to keep voice steady.

"I have to go to work now, maybe I can.."

Manages to drag himself up off the floor, stumble to the door, opens slightly, just a crack so she couldn't' see how heavily he was leaning against the frame.

"I'm fine see? Just washing up."

"Are you sure?" Do you want me to stay?

"You should probably go, or you'll be late, and I know how your uncle hates tardiness." Resorted to sitcom style phrases, stilted off his tongue. In the hopes she won't notice how hard he was concentrating on not falling. Forces a wide smile.

"Okay...I'll bring you back some lunch."

"Okay," smiles until she turns and goes to the door, pauses for a second, then opens it and leaves.

Sighs in relief, slides _down, down, down_ the doorframe to that cold bathroom floor.

Head in hands, clutches his hair in the hopes his mind wouldn't explode.

She'd been good enough, after everything, to let him stay without a word of protest.

He hadn't had a drink in two days and counting.

Hadn't checked his phone in three.

He could do this

Alone.

He was_ fine_.

* * *

"Serena there you are honey," checks watch, a bit late to be rising.

"Hey," suppresses a yawn. Sunday brunch, Lilly kept it going, heavens knew why. Dan is absent (had a Sunday meeting with some poets club or something), as is Rufus and Eric. Pauses to look around the table.

"Rufus and Eric went to do something..." evasive, wasn't really listening when they told her.

"Eric went with Rufus?"

"Yes, it's good he's getting out again," instead of badgering the PI about the whereabouts of Chuck. Lilly had finally convinced him to let it go.

"Oh," slips into a chair opposite, grabs an apple. Doesn't bite into it just plays. Round, used to be her favourite shape, until she realised it had no beginning and no end. Eternity was more Blair's thing. Puts down the apple goes to take a strawberry, but then realises it's a triangle. She hates those too, a recent aversion.

"Serena were you listening to me?" mothers sharp voice breaks through idle thoughts.

"Sorry?" innocent wide eye blue, got her out of more than one fix.

Insufferable sigh.

"I was saying that Eleanor has offered one of her new dresses for you to wear to that party next week for that college fundraiser."

"Party?" brows furrowed, bemused look.

"Yes the one I've only been talking about all week." It was Lilly's way to organize her and others lives in order to distract herself. Serena didn't need to plan things, she had enough distractions. "If you want any sort of career in the future you have got to start getting involved now."

"It's a bit early to start thinking of that," small smile. Wrong move.

"A little _early_? You aren't a little girl anymore Serena and if you start..." she zones out after the first few minutes, smile quickly lost from her lips.

Didn't say a word against her mother's outrageous rant, she knew whose future Lilly was really worried about. But since he wasn't here Serena was the scapegoat. Spends the time contemplating if he was enjoying himself right now while she listened to all her mother's worry burst forth like a stream.

"If you don't start making some serious choices soon Serena you're going to end up with nothing."

_Choices_, word breaks through her reverie.

Could only put up with it out of pity for so long.

"Last time I checked it's my life Mom." Angry retort, stands on six inch heels and indignation.

"And you don't seem to be taking it seriously enough."

"Who says I have to choose now?" angry, frustrated, maybe even a little scared. Tears well up, wills them not to fall. "You? Grandma?"

"For goodness sake Serena act your age," annoyed now Lilly glares at her drama.

"For goodness sake Mom I'm _only _twenty. Just because you decide I have to act a certain way doesn't mean that I should. Who says I have to choose now?"

Turns on her heels, blonde hair flows like a mane behind her. Storms out (flees) on that note. On her last nerve.

"Life Serena," called after her, like a chain snaking around her neck.

Slams the elevator button, doors slide shut.

Tries to pretend she didn't hear.

* * *

"Hey Serena," called across busy New York traffic, horns and lights and all. A voice raised above the others.

She stops, doesn't turn, but doesn't run either. Allows him the chance to cross the street, honking horns, and take her hand in his.

"Hey I've been trying to call you all day, what's wrong?"

Turns to look at his brown eyes, searching hers. Taking in her limp appearance, her red eyes.

"Are you okay?" filled with concern, all concern and sweetness and worship.

Eyes fill up again, all he does is take her in his arms and hug her, and murmur all the right things into her hair.

She takes in the smell of coffee, and musty books and some cheap cologne.

Remembers adoring looks, sweet kisses, worshiping her like she was his whole world. Laughter and jokes, and endearing clumsiness. Being there when she needed, no matter what it was. The first one to tell her those three words, eight letters, and mean it with sober clarity and unending adoration.

Seeing each other for everything they _were_, loving each other for everything they _could be_.

And she allows him to look after her.

They go get some ice cream and she tells him about the fight with her Mom and he helps her to laugh with some wry comment. Then he helps her think with well placed words and more sensible advice than anyone else could give her.

They walk down the street holding hands, and she allows him to lead and he takes her to his favourite book store and buys her a novel he guarantees will help take her out of her misery.

They go to Central Park together and sit on a bench and watch the ducks on the lake, while he holds her hand, eyes intent on her face, and quotes words from poets long dead and buried.

She wishes she could speak his language as she listens to the sweeping cadences.

Eventually the sun sets, breaking the spell.

"Come on I'll call the limo to pick us up," laughs at the idea, but helps her from the bench and leads her on the way back to her upper east palace so she could reconcile with her Mom.

And she knows she doesn't have to learn his language, because he's learnt hers. He's learnt it all for her.

* * *

_You're spiralling out of control, you're spiralling out of control, you're spiralling out of control. _

Play, rewind, repeat.

Over, and over and over.

Everytime she looks in that dark mirror.

Everytime Louis gives her that adoring smile and she can only muster a ghostly imitation.

Evertytime she realises she has no idea where he is, what he is doing.

Drunk or sober?

Dead or alive?

Everytime she realises that there is a flaw in the new fairytale.

Everytime she looks in the mirror.

_Enchanting. _

_Divine. _

_Ravishing._

Words that had once left _his_ lips to describe everything he saw in her.

She keeps them in a box deep within.

Opens it sometimes, brings them ou,t dusts them off and reminds herself with eyes tight shut.

_Enchanting._

_Divine. _

_Ravishing. _

Reminds herself every time she stands in front of that mirror and thinks of everything wrong with this picture.

_Enchanting. _

_Divine. _

_Ravishing. _

Tries to drown out that other voice, clambering for her attention.

_You're spiralling out of control, you're spiralling out of control, you're spiralling out of control. _

"Blair are you all right in there ma chere?"

Eyes snap open.

_Enchanting, divine, ravishing._ The mirror image mouths them back, not a sound.

"Perfect," replies aloud, tears her eyes from the mirror, dons the cloak of confidence and self satisfaction before walking out that door.

_You're spiralling out of control, you're spiralling out of control, you're spiralling out of control. _

* * *

"Nate" shocked gasp, mascara falls to the floor in the bars bathroom.

Doesn't voice _what are you doing there_?

Wasn't it obvious?

She had been avoiding him for weeks now.

"I had to see you," replies to the unanswered questions anyway, comes to stand behind her.

She doesn't dare to turn and look at him.

He's silent now, at a loss for what to say.

Examines his mirror reflection instead of filling the silence with meaningless protests.

Blue eyes as intense as sapphires.

Blonde hair carelessly ruffled into perfection.

Kissable lips.

Standing so close she can smell his expensive cologne.

All the memories rise up.  
All the times together.

On a beach, playing hide and seek, during a hot New York summer, ice cube fights, a child's kiss, rescuing her time and time again, a shoulder to lean on, a knight to rely on, a real kiss at a wedding and more, so much more. Stolen looks, stolen touches, heartbreak and love, and more heartbreak.

Seeing each other for everything they _were_, Loving each other for all their_ imperfections_.

"I can't do this," bursts forth out of her lips like a caged animal released. Breath quickening, heat rushing up, up, up. _I can't choose now._

"Why not Serena?" frustrated.

"Dan is my boyfriend," quickly scrabbling with her bag, trying to latch it. Oh gosh she can't do this right now. She wasn't ready.

"And he's my friend, but that shouldn't stop us Serena, not if..." not if you leave him for_ me_. Not if you l_ove_ me.

"I can't do this Natie, Please," _Please don't make me choose right this instance, right now. I just can't. Pulls_ away from him, pushes the door open desperately, flees.

Leaves him standing there once again, mirror reflection despondent.

"Excuse me?" lady enters, teetering between unimpressed and morbid curiosity.

"Sorry," mumbled, pushes past without a second glance.

Leaves the door swinging behind him.

* * *

Serena makes some excuse to Blair, leaves distracted and holding back unshed tears.

Blair doesn't comment, sometimes you needed a friend, other times you needed to deal with your misery alone.

Misery begot by itself.

Sees Nate a few minutes later.

Misery does love company.

Calls him over and buys him a drink.

And sometimes you just needed to drown your sorrows with an old friend and reminisce about how easy it all once was.

* * *

Throws bag on chair in the foyer, makes her way up the staircase to her room, (the one adjoining Blair's and not next to Chuck's.)

Ready to throw her head on her pillow and cry her troubles away, to dwell on guilt and admonish herself for being so terrible.

Opens the door, blinks once, twice.

Flickering candles everywhere, pinpricks of light.

Rose petals litter the bed.

He sits there, a rose in hand, soft music plays in the background.

"Serena," stands up, soft smile. Like seeing the sun.

"Dan?" shock. "You did all this?"

"Yeah," rubs back of neck nervously, self doubt rises up. "I mean I knew you were feeling down lately and I just thought...I mean Dorota helped but...I just wanted to do something special, just for you."

That's when the tears burst forth.

_Terrible, terrible person. _

"Hey, hey," envelopes her once more. "What's wrong, did you have a fight with Blair or something?"

Doesn't say a word to this. Lying by omission.

"We can sit and talk if you want?...or I can...I can leave..."

Grips him tighter, as tight as she could hold on. Knows she should just let him go.

But she can't.

Can't let either of them go.

"Serena what's the matter?" pulls her chin up, her blue eyes meet his brown.

"I just..." doesn't finish the sentence. "I love you Dan."

_I don't deserve you. _

"I love you too," small bemused grin. "Is that all?"

_No that was everything. Love, love was the problem. _

She doesn't answer. Chokes down her sob.

Goes to the bed throws herself on it recklessly, hopes he'll leave, wishes he'd stay.

Predictably slips down beside her, just looks without a sound.

Lie side by side, in silence. Fingers intertwined.

Eventually he watches as her tears dry.

Eventually both fall into a steady sleep.

When he wakes up his hand is empty.

Disappeared without a trace.

The candles are all burnt out.

* * *

Leaves with hardly any luggage and not a word to anyone

Just like old times.

When she reaches the ticket counter doesn't hesitate for a second.

Who better to drown her sorrows with?

* * *

He tried starting work again (got his own job this time, didn't want to impose anymore on her then he already had). He got fired on the first day. Swore at a customer who was being an ass. Threw his apron on the ground, kicked a chair on his way out.

"American pig." Followed him onto the street.

Did he always used to be this aggressive?

He knew he was missing something.

_Missing everything. _

He pretends he's still employed, goes to the bank takes out money and gives it to her, as rent.

She wants to refuse (_but she can't afford to). _

He's tempted every day, his hands shake, he feels like shit.

What the hell is he doing this for?

_(For her). _

Eva sits down next to him on the couch (the second week he's been here now and the days are getting harder.)

She doesn't say anything for a long while, they stare blankly at her small TV.

"Charles is there something you want to talk about?"

He flinches, remembers Lilly pleading eyes.

"No," knows his eyes and voice are dead as he looks at her. Can't muster enough to smile.

"Please...maybe if you could talk...you are scaring me." It takes courage to admit it.

A pause.  
"I'm sorry," was that the right response?

He looks into her eyes and knows it wasn't.

She was searching, just like everyone else in his life, Lilly, Nate, Blair, his father...Searching for that more in a soulless boy. More than smirks, drawling quips and indifference. _More..._

And he had been trying to be better, he really had been. And he thought here with her he could be. Who else would accept him (after everything) into their home? Who else would not comment as he spent hours on the floor of her small bathroom.

He thought he had been a better person with her, the truth was he had just been drinking cheaper wine.

She leaves for work a few minutes later with only a final wistful look.

He packs his clothes and leaves her a small envelope filled with green notes and '_Thank you for everything '_scrawled on the back of a card.

There was nothing else left to say.

* * *

Opens the hotel door to be enveloped in blonde hair and that strong floral smell she carried everywhere. Immobilised for a moment stands staring.

Finally manages to disengage himself, clear his head.

"Serena?" a question.

"Chuck." Said matter of factly, that wide white smile, perfect teeth. _Serena._

"How did you find me?" goes to most pressing question.

"You think you're the only one with P.I's?" silly, bubbly five year old laugh. Carefree. Glad he hadn't moved on from here too.

"You've had me followed?" raised eyebrows. It wasn't like he was trying to stay lost this time, he just assumed none of them would bother to look.

"Well not me exactly..." sheepish look, guilty shift of the eyes.

"Lilly, she's not...?" _here_, I can't face her right now.

"No, no," quickly assuages his fears. "I think Mom thinks it's best to let you find your way back or something zen like that. She didn't even let Eric or me know where you were.." rolls eyes, typical Lilly.

"Then how?" how did you appear on the doorstep, twelve at night, looking fresh as a daisy?

"She forgot I had the combo to the safe..." Searching for her passport, discovered the P.I reports, flicked to the latest one, found the name of a hotel in Paris. Hoped he hadn't moved on.

Pause, waits for him to say something, he just stares.

"So can I come in?"

Doesn't wait for his no, just breezes in bringing sunshine and light to the dark hotel room. He stays at the doorway, just staring.

Knows she's surveying every little bit of detail, the bottles on the bedside table (from three nights ago, the night he left Eva's and any hope of redemption behind.) Knows she was counting them, each one.

Despite himself his heart sinks, shame, it was a familiar wound. Just ask his father.

"Why are you here Serena?" he sighs, gives up on getting her out as she sits on the bed making it bounce up and down. Familiar question, unfamiliar situation. She had never followed him across countries before to evade her own problems.

"Does there have to be a reason?" all doe eyed innocence, stick to the shtick you know.

" Georgina show up again? Baizen? Your father?" Raised eyebrows. _There's always a reason_.

"No," pouts defensively, he should have known she doesn't like him mentioning her father. She should have realised he could relate, but maybe that was the problem.

A pause, he contemplates her for a minute, her flushed cheeks, dishelved appearance (behind the initial gloss), biting lip and worn down nails.

"Is it Nate?" He knew them both too well, her blush gives her away. "More boy troubles?" smirks, so predictable. It would almost be funny if it wasn't his best friend and his step sister entangled.

"Do we have to talk about it right now?" looks up at him now impulsively, pleading. And he can see the tears welling up as she bit her lip, desperate.

A pause, he's stunned at her complete vulnerability. Her trust.

"Do you want a drink?" _No, I guess we don't have to talk about it at all_. Phrase could have been better worded, slips lightly from his lips. At her look his smirk grows, a challenge. _You have to take me as I am or don't expect me to take you at all._

A pause, she's conflicted, he can tell.

"I guess one..." _for old time's sake._

They both know one will turn into two, two to four and four to eight. Eight to sharing one bottle while laying on the bed and avoiding the world, together. They'd seen it countless times before. Simple maths.

She still accepts the glass and watches him drown his down (_drown himself)._

_For old time's sake. _

* * *

"Sometimes do you think it would have been easier if we had just hooked up," random thought plucked from the swirling air to land upon her lips. They were lying together on the bed, bottle between them, just resting there.

She'd been thinking about the what ifs. What If they had just accepted the inevitable will of society to make it BlairandNate all those many years ago? Maybe they could have been ChuckandSerena by now.

"Us?" stunned.

"Yes, us," sigh, wistful, or maybe nostalgic. Take a moment to imagine a dream never realised, a concept never fully conceived.

What ifs...

There would have been scorn, alot of scorn, malice maybe, if they bothered.

Disdain, featured prominently, mostly.

Affairs, some of her men, mainly his women. Ignored because what else did they have?

Maybe if they bothered some fighting, public just to piss people off (her Mom, his lawyer, her Nate, his Blair). Then they would make up, because it was all superficial.

It would all be pure raw passion, impulse, no thought, no true feelings. They would care of course, they would dislike sometimes, but they would not stir enough to hate, nor would they ever love.

Sometimes they may have laughed, sat and watched their best friends (their soul mates) destroy each other (them) without even noticing.

Nate and Blair would have played the fairytale, Chuck and Serena would have just played.

Above it all, they knew how it was.

He would ignore her meetings with his best friend, she would ignore his rendezvous with hers.

They would not have been perfect no, but they had both been there. They understood how the game was played...

_Pretend so no one knew, _

_Hide so no one saw, _

_Smile and the world would believe every lie you told. _

"Simpler, but not easier," thoughts dissipate like clouds, she's left lying on rough sheets.

"Sorry?"

Exhale air blows out. Hard to explain. He'll try though.

"It would have been simpler but not easier."

"What does that mean?" curious.

"This, _this_ is easy," words encompass them both lying on the bed, shoes off, fully clothed, staring at the ceiling, heads pressed together, hair mingling, like they were ten again. Confiding feelings and thoughts they would never divulge to their other halves. Light and dark were only ever meant to be friends.

A pause, they both contemplate this..._easy._

Impulsively reaches out, takes his hand in hers, entwines her fingers. Inseparable, that's what her Mom used to call the four of them.

To her surprise he doesn't pull away.

"You know sometimes I'm almost glad Mom married Bart," _I love you in just the right way._

A beat of silence.

"Sometimes I am too," relents to the inevitable _I love you too. _

_Easy._

Silence. Closes her eyes and enjoys the easy sound of breathing.

"So you want to try out incest now?"

Pillow hits him hard in the face before he can dodge.

Utterly insufferable more like.

* * *

They stay in that hotel room for who knew how long?

Night and day seemed to bleed into each other.

They shared bottles, ordered room service.

Lived like they were fifteen again.

Like the real world didn't even exist.

* * *

She wakes up suddenly, eyes snap open. Dark, light twinkling through the window. Drags her jacket off, it's too hot. Turns over, he isn't laying next to her.

Quickly sits up, like cold ice over her. Looks around the room.

See's him (maybe the wrong one?) Remembers where she is.

Chuck's standing at the window, back to her, looking at the lights. Just a shadow.

"Chuck?" calls out to him after a second, voice hoarse.

He doesn't turn.

Long pause.

Finally he breaks it.

"Do you think it's possible for people to change Serena?" it's barely above a whisper, so quiet, carries in the dark to her sitting in the bed, blonde locks cascading down her back.

Quiet, she's so quiet, like the dead. Has no answer to this. Her own fears rear up.

An out of control girl, running from all her problems, never making choices only mistakes. Eternally fleeing from life itself...

"Yes," bursts forth, desperate. Had to be true. _She had changed hadn't she?_

"I don't," slight bitterness, slight mirth, all mocking.

"You're tired and drunk Chuck, why don't you just..."

"We're not like them you know." Cuts across her.

"Like who?" she _knows _who.

"Nate and..." He begins it for her.

"Blair," she finishes it for him.

She doesn't argue with that. They weren't. They weren't meant to rule, weren't meant to be admired, weren't meant to be followed. Not like that.

Yes people looked at Chuck and Serena, a boy and a girl everyone wanted or wanted to be...but no one really did, not really. Not when they looked beyond the persona of a blonde beauty and a dark prince. Look beyond the surface and you found lost, neglect, mistake, after mistake, after mistake. From the moment they were born. Daddy issues, no nannies to pick up the slack. Screwed up everything they touched, like Midas without the gold.

That's why they'd always dived headfirst together, while Blair and Nate hung back.

"No, we're not..." finally answers him while he waits, can't argue with the facts, can't put into words everything she's thinking.

"Immaculate?"fill in the blank. Turns , by the light of the city of love she can see vaguely he's mocking smirk, the drink in his hand.

There's a long drawn out pause.

So many, too many she's allowed him tonight, allowed herself. _Enough._

"That doesn't mean we should stop trying," defiant to his surrender.

"Really?" scornful.

"If anyone can do it, we can right." Is it a question or a statement? She tries to smile at the corny line.

"How?" another murmur, she wonders if he had hoped she hadn't heard.

_It's easier to give up, than to keep on trying..._

"Maybe it's time we go home..."

_Do you think it's possible for people to change._

_No._

_But it couldn't hurt to try?_

* * *

**Spotted: Grand Central Station, Serena van der Woodsen, with Chuck Bass in tow. What happens in Paris stays in Paris, right guys? Not for long if I have anything to say about it. **

**You know you love me **

**xoxo Gossip Girl. **

* * *

_A/N: This was more Serena/Chuck centric (in a sibling way.) I want to also explore the Nate/Blair friendship a bit more, because they are the NJBC. Never fear though there shall be Chuck/Blair interaction in the future chapters. I'm still not sure who Serena should choose, Nate and Dan both have their good qualities when there with her. And I swear I wrote this chapter like two eps before the recent episode lol, I was already playing with the whole Nate, Dan decision in my mind. This was supposed to be a longer chapter, move the story along more, but I thought there just wasn't enough pages to do justice to do what I want to do. Plus I was running out of steam for this chapter, so I think it'd be better to post this and start a new one. How crazy are the song selections lol, Love the Way you Lie, and Make me Wanna die (which I was actually contemplating for this). Must by psychic jks = P. **If you read this please review and make Chuck chuckle = ). Thank you to everyone who has reviewed the story so far it really motivates me and I appreciate it = ).**_

_Rant of the week: Okay what is up with Vanessa and Jenny having a burning hate for Serena. I get Juliet, but basically Vanessa's beef is errr your rich and get away with everything and I'm poor so I hate you? Uh yeah Vanessa your also annoying, which is probably why everyone turned on you! (I know I'm mean lol but they're all fictional characters so they won't get hurt = P). And Jenny...I still don't get why she suddenly hated Serena, she's a spoilt brat herself! Anywayyyy I really hope the NJBC and Dan get together and kick their butts, show them how pitiful they are muhahahaha. Lol. (And possible kill Vanessa = P). Can't wait for a classic takedown. (Though I kind of don't mind Juliets character, not as annoying as the other two and I can actually feel sympathy for her, though she is a raging psycho drugging Serena lol. I would love to see her and Georgina get together, that would be scary!). _


	6. Sometimes Fairytales Aren't True

**Sometimes Fairytales Aren't Meant to Come True**

"_I know you suffer for my art_

_Always pulling us apart_

_You're forever in my brain_

_Even when I cause you pain._

_And I know I can't taste your skin_

_With an ocean between us._

_But our love is a dinosaur_

_Hear it roar."_

* * *

She's taken to reading classics, all the old books from English lit and beyond.

Today she's decided to go with Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities.

The story of a girl with two loves, with only one she can truly love back.

Fitting.

Too bad she can't get past the first line.

"_It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." _

She reads that line, again , and again, and again.

Eventually throws the book on the floor in disgust.

Life was either at its very worst or at its very best, it couldn't be both at the same time.

It could never be both.

Didn't make any sense.

Dickens was an idiot.

* * *

The day Chuck comes back to New York Blair reads the Gossip Girl post on the plane to France. Louis is holding her hand, neck arched and mouth adorably open as he sleeps.

She hesitates for a second over large black print Call Chuck? Then she shuts the phone. Decisive snap.

If he wanted to talk to her he could be the one to call.

She wasn't the one who had run away.

_(She was the one running now.)_

* * *

Oh it's everything she expected.

Beautiful chatteu , snobby relatives she had to win over, some cousins she had to fight off.

Filled with that old drive, finally a purpose again. Prove herself within the month.

Starts off excited, dazzled, charmed.

Initial gloss wears off eventually.

Left feeling like she had every day of her life previously, a nobody, not worth the crown she clung to.

Here she wasn't Queen B, she was just a big fish in a bigger ocean.

Taken to locking the bathroom door and crying (when Louis was out playing polo or something equally ridiculous.)

Tries not to think that if he was here he wouldn't be caught dead on a horse. No he'd be sitting on the other side of the door, waiting for her.

The snide comments, the looks, the contempt seeped out of every pore of these women.

No matter how well she posed, how sweet she smiled, how cultured she sounded, she would never be good enough.

Her worst fears realised.

Whispers in rooms as she listens in the corridor.

"What does her mother do again?"

"A designer."

"No," absolutely scandalous.

"Louis has always been headstrong, but I'm sure the infatuation will pass."

"Undoubtedly."

Sounds like a 15th century novel. Blair hated outdated snobbery.

She keeps on fighting though, she wasn't going to give in to these snobs.

She was Blair Waldorf.

_Enchanting, ravishing_...she's forgotten the last one. Maybe she'll forget them all in time.

She scores a few points, digs and finds secrets (there are always secrets).

Thinks she's beginning to come into her own (she no longer has the heart for it).

And that's when she meets Claire.

* * *

Claire, blonde typically, hazel eyed (not so typical), French, beautiful.

Claire who appeared sweet and kind.

Claire, the daughter of some diplomat.

Claire, Louis high school sweet heart.

She first spots her at a ball (yes a ball). Across the room she glides in dressed in white (while Blair is in red), laughing at something her father (presumably) whispers to her. Blair wouldn't have noticed her at all if it weren't for Louis beside her.  
Trails off from his train of thought, staring.

She knows that look (oh she knows it all too well. The one she tried to hide from him in New York.)

"Who is she?" voice so quiet as she inspects her saviour.

Brings him back to reality, tears himself away, turns to look at her. Blinking rapidly as if he'd just been staring at the sun.

"Who?" fakes bemusement, note too false.

"That girl in white?" how fitting, white.

A pause, hesitation too long. She could teach him a thing or two about deception. "Nobody," finally settles on saying. "A nobody," stipulates as she continues to stare.

She knows then, but she doesn't pursue it further.

Doesn't yell, or slap, or growl. Doesn't formulate plans of revenge.

Just looks at the girl with the hazel eyes, and thinks of a boy at home.

* * *

It's an all too familiar scenario

She notices the looks, clenched jaw, clenched fists; irritation growing as Claire flirts with one of Louis handsome older cousins (doesn't miss the looks Claire flicks towards Louis either under thick eyelashes.)

It shouldn't have been a surprise then when Louis dragged her (unusually assertive) into an adjoining empty room and began kissing her (angrier than usual too).

It was all too familiar, she'd done it countless times after all.

But Blair Waldorf was not one to be used.

"Who is she?" whispered in between kisses.

He stops dead.

"A nobody," repeats, avoids dark gaze.

"Who is she?" persistence paid off. She knew all about persistence.

He sighs, runs his hair through his hand. Torn. She knows about that too.

"Blair, I...I..."

She knew already, but she had to hear it from him.

So she kept on looking, cool persona.

"She and I used to date." Finally relents, "She...we had our differences..."

A pause.  
"You love her." Not a question a statement.

"Loved," looks at her desperately now, trying to convince himself more than convince her. "But I love _you_." Too is implied.

A further pause, blue meets brown.

It's like Nate all over again.

It's like...

She understands now, the scene in the hospital makes so much more sense now. He was trying to convince both of them then, as he was now. It was better this way. Both hearts attached to someone else. Better to fool each other, as they tried to fool themselves, rather than someone innocent, someone unattached, someone who was actually free to fall in love with them, free to have their heart broken.

Facing a crossroad now.

To use and be used.

_Settle or Leave?_

"Blair I am sorry, I should have told you earlier," accent thicker as he's agitated, pleading with her now, her icy silence, dead eyes. Inner struggle.

_Settle or Leave?_

"I just...I love you...can you not forgive me?"

Detached, feels the touch of his hand, bite of one of his rings.

_Settle or Leave?_

Thinks of a girl, just in the other room.

Thinks of a boy, far away.

_Settle or Leave?_

Remembers words in a stark hospital.

"Blair?"

Her French Prince prompts her _(anxious)._

Meets his clear blue eyes.

_Settle or Leave?_

She smiles (too bright).

"There's nothing to forgive."

"But...?" blinks, stunned.

"That's what love is no? Give and take?" _I understand._ _This is the best we're going to get._

She gives him a light hug and walks calmly out of the room and back to the party.

It was easier then she thought.

_To settle. _

* * *

Serena and him stay at 1812 for a day. He wonders if it's going to be like Paris.

It's not, she's gone the next morning.

There's her messy scrawled writing on a post it attached to the empty scotch bottle on his bedside table.

"Gone home."

_Come too_.

So he gets up and for once he does as she suggests.

* * *

"Charles," Lilly embraces him, without reserve.

The truest thing that's ever been between them.  
Everything she's ever wanted to say to him.

_You came home. _

Eventually his stiff arms come up and embrace her too.

_Home. _

* * *

"What's wrong?"

Ever since he's been back Eric hasn't said a word.

Walked out of every room he's been in.

Given looks to challenge Rufus'.

He's wearing flannel for goodness sake.

"Nothing," same cool distant look. Grab OJ from fridge, moves to go to room.

Steps in front, active blocking.

"I know something is wrong," _I'm not a Humphrey, I don't believe everything out of people's mouth._ "You haven't been on my back since I've been back." Drawls, dry attempt at humour as looks down at glass in hand filled with amber liquid.

Pause, swears the young boys fist clenches.

"Are you going to get out of my way?" Cool and calm, keep it cool and calm. Raise of eyebrows.

"Are you going to tell me?" Two can play at that game. Where do you think you learnt it?

Without a word he turns and walks around the counter, without a second glance.

Chuck isn't going to let him get away that easy.

Who's the older brother here?

Follows him to his room, Eric had locked the door.  
Quick.

Underestimated his persistence.

He didn't come to stay here for dirty looks and stony silence.

Not from Eric at least.

_Bang, bang, bang. _

Waits for a second.

_Bang, bang bang. _

He could do this all night, not like he had anywhere else to be.

Door swings open before lucky third.

Stands there tense.

Who will blink first, like a five year old staring game.

Surprisingly Eric was the first to break.

"I just can't do this anymore okay Chuck!" Furious, accusing, angry.

Tries to slam door with dramatic statement. Expensive shoes prevent him.

"Do what?" bemused.

Eric stares for a second, then with an angry head shake turns and goes to desk. As if he's not worth the effort.

Chuck follows.

There's silence while Eric pretends to be absorbed in his laptop and Chuck stares at him. Like a puzzle with a peice missing.

"Are you angry at me for some reason?" finally breaks the silence, bemusement. Where did this come from?

Eric gives up on ignoring him, turns in the chair, glares.

"The fact that you have to even ask that question..."

"I don't understand," takes the high road, goes to sit on the bed. He was always one to elicit answers from the questions he asked. _Feel free to explain._

Silence hangs between them, maybe some prompting required.

"Since when do you wear flannel?" Raised eyebrows. _Joined the army of Humphreys?_

"What's it to you?" uncharacteristically aggressive.

"Just wondering if I should start taking preventative precautions, Humphrey appears to be contagious." Usual drawl, arrogant smirk.

"At least Rufus sticks around," muttered resentfully, turns back to the laptop. "Don't you have a li liquor cabinet to raid Chuck?" Obvious dismissal.

"Since when did you develop an attitude?" Keep it light, wit made everything less sharp.

"Since when did you pretend to care?"

Stunned silence, frowns as surveys the younger boy and his anger.

"I thought we were...?" _brothers._

"Yeah well so did I Chuck," _my mistake._ "That was before..."

"So what changed then? Rufus the saint show you the way to righteousness?" annoyed now.

"No, Rufus didn't leave without saying a word after almost dying."

"I didn't..."

"You over dosed," cut across his denial. "You did almost die Chuck. And after almost dying you left yet again, without telling anyone, without telling _me_, after I asked you...Guess I'm the idiot for believing you'd actually care enough to listen."

Drawn out silence, both survey each other.

"I'm sorry." Seems to be saying that a lot lately. Dead words.

"No you're not." Cool statement of fact. "But maybe you should think about at least Mom, or Serena before you leave again, before you end up in hospital again..."

"I'll try to leave you a note next time then..." small smirk.

"Don't bother," muttered bitterly, turns back to empty screen. "I can't care anymore Chuck, not if you can't even try..."

Sighs heavily, no getting through to him today. He knew anger, resentment, bitterness, blame. So he got up and he went to leave. Maybe it was better this way anyway, less people to hurt.

"You know I could never understand before, but now I think Blair was actually the smartest, out of all of us."

"What do you mean?" sharp now, dangerous look.

"She left instead of staying and watching the inevitable.._._Maybe she was right, maybe you'll never change."

A long drawn out silence, rooted to the spot he stood stunned, speechless.

Eric frows, waiting for response. Refuses to look at him. _Not in anger, perhaps in regret._

When it comes it's not what he expects.

"Maybe she is," so quiet.

"Chuck wa..." quickly turns, repent too late.

He's already out the door before Eric is out of his chair.

Scotch glass left behind on the bedside table.

* * *

"Oh sorry..." apologies lost in the air as she looks up. Blushes profusely. This was not how she imagined it.

Spilled books on the ground around them, (had to catch up after her impromptu holiday). Thought she'd try college before she tried the loft. Humphrey found her anyway.

"Dad told me you were back," from the ground, picking up her books. Straightens. Jaw tight, familiar line. "Of course I was still trying to figure out why you left."

"Dan..." what followed? She had no idea.

"Was it me Serena? Blair? Chuck? You owe me the truth at least."

"It...I..." _It was everything, it was nothing._ Words fail her yet again.

"Gossip girl suggested maybe...you and Chuck..." ears red. Can't believe suggesting it, but can't shake there's something (someone) else.

"What about us...?" trying to understand, suddenly dawns. "Ewwww me and...that'd disgusting. No," scrunch of nose, pure honest disgust floods him with relief. He still felt slightly guilty for the other night, the guilt he carried for landing the Basshole in hospital. He knew his psyche too well (when you wrote about someone it got like that) he shouldn't have used it against him.

Too bad Serena wasn't as easy to work out.

"What is it then?" frustration raises it's head yet again. Always groping in the dark, Serena has the light, but all she'll ever do is give him her hand and expect him to follow blind.

"I can't..." start of so many sentences past.

"Right, I get it," cuts across. What more could he do for her. "Well when you feel like you can explain, you know where to find me."

Final (_they both know it's not final)._ Turns and walks away. Maybe if she had called his name, _(just once, just a whisper) _he would have repented. Turned back and ignored the faults for the girl.

But she didn't, so he kept on walking.

* * *

City lights glimmered up at him. He rested his legs over the edge, swinging them.

Back and forth, forth and back.

Like he's five again.

Oh how he wishes he could be five again.

Five and catching the back of a little girl in a navy blue dress and a red headband with a perfect little bow.

Brown hair, so long, even then. Perfect curls.

Hand in hand with a blonde he doesn't even notice.

Runs behind her with Nate, builds up the courage and tweaks one of those curls out of place.

She turns, not doe eyes though, a lionesses. Hisses like a cats, claws extended.

He just stands there in awe.

He's always been in awe of her.

Except now he has another thing to put on a pedestal, amber liquid.

He tips the bottle, watches the gold pour down, down down.

Sound of traffic, beeping horns, yellow taxis and twinkling lights.

He loves this (on a good day).

New York, his empire, his home...

Is it still home when nobody wants you?

Are you still King when you just want to hang up your crown?

He was tired... He doesn't think he's ever been this tired before.

He stands shakily, stands at the edge.

It was a long way down (it had been a long climb up for his father, hadn't he reminded him time and time again...Chuck was born on greatness he never deserved.)

He wonders what falling would feel like.

Would it be scary? Would it be exhilarating? Would it be freeing?

Falling without a parachute, now that was true free falling.  
Chuck Bass was never one to do things in halves...

_Maybe she was right, maybe you'll never change..._

* * *

Dan doesn't know what he's doing there. It was stupid really, what did he expect to find at Nate's?

Illicit photos just lying around, Nate and Serena locked in a kiss...

He felt stupid.

But he still rode the elevator and got out at the top (the very top).

He looks around the penthouse, he hadn't been in a while.

It was pretty clean, none of Chuck's women lying around now he never came home to enjoy them.

Dan was really hoping there would be some lying around... (Photographs sent to Serena and it would end it, whatever it was).

He knows he's being petty, but love made you do crazy things right?

Or was it lust?

He'd forgotten...

Nate's not even here.

He guesses this is the perfect opportunity to snoop then.

Find out what was really going on.

After all it's the obvious conclusion isn't it?

It isn't Chuck, well then there's only one other boy who could cause this much trouble between Serena and him...

It was obvious all along, but he guesses he was intentionally blind.

He heads to Nate's room. Feels guilty, wants to be vindicated.

Hesitates at the doorway, not really sure what he's doing here anymore?

What is he doing with a girl like Serena? What is he doing calling home the upper east side?

But no one ever really knows what they're doing right?

He takes one step into the room, looks back unintentionally. Reflex reaction.

Starts when the phone suddenly rings, shrill and loud and insistent.

Intruder.

He stands there, stock still as it rings out.

The answering machine picks it up.

"Nate," it's her, it's always her. Air blows out of his lungs. Is the phone still ringing? Or is that just him? He guess he's got his vindication right there. He knows he should storm out angrily, but he just stands there and listens._ He wasn't ready to walk away yet._

"Nate, can you pick up please? Look this isn't..." she sighs, he can imagine her doing that five year old thing, blowing the air out of her mouth in one large gust, tugging at her hair and biting her lip. "Chuck is...I guess missing, I don't know. Eric says it's serious. He's really upset, he thinks he might have said something bad, and Chuck ran...Anyway if you are there can you at least check to make sure he's not at the bar or something? That he's okay, for friendships sake..." she trails off there. Wants to say more, he can tell. But she merely sighs and puts down the phone.

He listens to the engaged signal.

_Beep, beep, beep. _

_Look, this isn't...?_

Isn't what Serena?

He thinks about storming out right now, going to find her. Grabbing her and not letting her go until she answers him, answers every single question.

If he's honest with himself he'll only ever ask her one...

_Do you love me?_

But he knew she wouldn't answer anything right now. Because Chuck was missing, and Serena had become a real sister without even knowing it...

Dan shakes his head, holding his nose, he tries to think but he can't.

Looks around at the empty apartment.

For friendships sake...

Is that all it was?

He thinks of the night of their first...was it a date? Even then he was never sure with Serena.

It had ended with him feeling like a hero, saving the princess, punching the villain, getting the girl...

Except he doesn't remember any fairytales beginning on a roof...

Small intake of breath as a thought precedes that...

Shakes his head, can't believe he's doing this.

_But he'd do anything for her right?_

Has one last look around. _There are no answers here. _

Then heads for the stairs.

To the roof...

* * *

_We all fall down._

He's standing at the edge now. Balancing there.

Black toes of his shoes peek out.

Precarious hold on reality.

He tips the bottle, it's almost finished.

Watches the droplets fall.

_Down, down, down. _

_We all fall down. _

He laughs, a small chuckle.

Chuck chuckles.

Funny.

He looks out at the twinkling lights.

_Lets pluck the diamonds from the sky. _

He breathes in deep the air.

He spreads his arms wide, raises his head to the skies and closes his eyes. The small breeze plays with his hair.

He's just listening.

To his heartbeat, to the heartbeat of New York.

Unison.

He loved this city.

_Maybe the most you can hope for is that your last thought is a good one..._

The noise of his city is interrupted by the banging of a door.

Eyes snap open, he turns unsteadily (not too fast, he didn't want to merely fall).

Standing in front of the door is a Humphrey.

Mouth agape, he's staring at him.

Like he's crazy.

Even when he's silent, he still knew how to annoy Chuck.

"I'm not crazy," snaps, tries to shake his slipping jacket back onto his shoulders.

He _wasn't_ crazy.

He knew exactly what he was doing.

"I'm sorry?" Dan finally finds his voice. Blinks slowly. He hadn't said a thing...

"I don't remember inviting you up here, Humphrey." Sneers, deflect. Realises mistake a tad too late.

"I was looking for Nate."

"And you thought you'd find him up here?"

Cheeks redden at the sneer.

"No."

Silence between them, Dan is still staring.

In suspended life.

"What are you doing Chuck?" it finally bursts forth, a rush of sound.

He blinks slowly, annoyed trying to focus on Humdrum Humphrey.

Opens his mouth for a sharp retort.

Only to realise he has no answer.

_What are you doing Chuck?_

He glanced behind him, down at the swinging lights.

His head spun suddenly.

Everything seemed to blur.

_What are you doing Chuck?_

He was suddenly aware of his heart pounding painfully in his ears.

_What are you doing Chuck? _

He doesn't see the city anymore, just a pair of brown eyes.

_What are you doing Chuck?_

Looks back at a boy he despised. They're the same age, and yet it seems like worlds separate them.

_What are you doing Chuck?_

It finally leaves him, a broken whisper. _The truth_.

"I don't know."

* * *

She looked down at Louis where he lay.

The city lights twinkled in from the window, shadows of dark and light across the room.

She rises from the bed, goes to the window.

Gazes out at the city that was not her home.

She's with her Prince.

_But he's not who she's thinking of. _

Her fairytale.

_Not her epic. _

She glances over at A Tale of Two Cities laying untouched on the bedside table.

Goes to pick it up, reads the first passage once more.

"_We had everything before us, we had nothing before us"_

Snaps it shut quickly at this.

Looks down at Louis, then out at the city.

"_We had everything before us, we had nothing before us"_

She finally understands what Dickens means.

* * *

**A/N: I haven't updated this in ages, I couldn't seem to finish this chapter. But I've still got my plan for this story so when I have a spare chance I'll try and finish it. **

**I still love Chuck, the last episode just left me feeling incredibly sad for him. He needs the NJBC! **

**Anyway thank you to all those who reviewed. **

**Please if you read this review!**

**One of my favourite songs is used, Kisschasy Dinosaur. **


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